already left

After Jason, there was of course another guy. Orked did meet someone new, we name it Ayden, the guy who existed for a limited time period say a month long, never less and never more. On Orked's journey of life that has been bumpy and gloomy... Ayden was somehow a temporary reason to smile.

Upon one-month, and before everything going back to normal again in Orked's life.. a letter has been prepared but is kept unsent---

To Ayden, 

I am writing this on 5th of January which means that we have two more days left before the period ends. and I would want you to read this while your mind is conscious and your heart is at peace. 

Ayden… a month with you has been nothing but amazing and unforgettable. It’s surprising to know how in this short span of time I learnt so much about myself, and about you. And most important, you proved me wrong that while you have no fear to show your affection and feeling to me…. i now believe there is still a guy out there that actually have the capability and all the potential in this world to love me right. 

I grew up being a girl that always came up too intense with my feeling and some just say how vulnerable I could be when it comes to love. But with you, for once I feel right just being who I am… and like I said to you before, you never force me to be somebody I’m not while in the same time you celebrate well my strength and never for once you judge my weakness. To a point now that I believe you are really one of a kind; you left impact to somebody that apparently is a broken soul. In fact is a positive impact… Thank you so much, Ayden… for existing. Thank you for every goodmorning(s), short reminders (though more to like you nagging) whenever I caught up careless, your first ever chapter of ‘Ayden’s cheesiness never goes off’, for waking me up in the morning, for being the best listener I could wish for… and just for every chapters of ‘Ayden’ you have taught me. 

Before you came I did pray to God once, to just have anybody to cheer up my day and just take away my emotional burden. Thinking of it now, I sometimes wonder if you’re the answer to my prayer. If you are, then no words could describe how grateful I am to have you. And even not, as a human being, please know that you have done something right in someone’s life. You really, are the precious Ayden. 

Talking about feelings, now. I have no fear in telling you how I have caught with emotional attachment again this time, though how much I have tried not to. I caught feelings for you ever since our earlier days and I don’t mind letting you know. But let us be realistic, that my scar is more real while my past experience wasn’t a good story to tell, I haven’t quite healed and I don’t think I am ready and any sooner will be capable in loving another soul yet… more insane it would be for me to pour all my love for someone as amazing as you. I rather call myself delusional to imagine my future with you by just looking at my fear of the unknown tomorrows, and I haven’t seem settled with my broken yesterdays. While I quite acknowledge how this going to be a very long (also could be tiring) journey if ever we were to have something, I mind that we shall not continue and just keep best of what we had till this point. 

Thank you so much, Ayden; for a great one month conversation. No doubt it was the best one I had after so long. 

I will always pray for our path to cross, once again. That time I wish I could really love you, truly and honestly and even better. Till that time Ayden, I wish you nothing but the best in life. 

Yours truly,

With Ayden, it was merely a date and just it. A short one, a kind of feeling that hasn't been figured out but has been long enough treasured. Talked about many things with Ayden, shared some stories and some are the important ones.. with that wise amount of conversations Orked and Ayden had it gets to be worrisome of this process to Orked that in one way or another, this process breaks her a little. That she hasn't been dating anyone for quite number of years now and the number of meetings she went only brings her to frustration that no one has been figured out-- the answer; and that what breaks her the most. The shortfall of every meeting that in the end comes to nothing- like she hasn't been trying at all.

And all that she has been through, it only comes to presuming that maybe Orked doesn't even know what she wants anymore; what more to approach love. there is definitely an absence of connection somewhere, that even before Orked met love for the first time, love from herself has already left.

There's probably no room anymore.

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