look away

It was on April, since last two years after we first met. To this particular time, it has been a year long we don't see each other. We thought, I mean, I thought there will be no more Jason after August last year. Like usual, Jason left when things get hard. Jason would be in no vacant of time, when I pursue to meet each other. As always, Jason has been forever 'too' busy. 

I have accepted; the fact that a move shall be made. I must turn my way away from him. He held no good in me with him being silent and me not wanting any less than one lengthy explanation. Of all my confusion, my rage, my bottled up emotions, my endless tire of waiting too long, my continuous demand of attention and all that I ever received-- was nothing in return. 

What a waste, I have gathered all year long. 

I imagine being married to Jason sometimes, carrying his child, sharing household with him, working long hours in just to come back to Jason's love and affection-- that is to be still an imagination in my imagination. In my wild imagination, Jason will not be capable in providing whatever I need from him, I'll be extra too much for him, 'too kind', 'too beautiful', 'too smart' and however I try to be enough for him, I could just never be. 

My 'too much' has been the chaos that destroy Jason's ego. 

To his mind, he could never be enough for me and poetically, he would go silent while looking at me as I deserve someone better. and that is to be while he still hold my left hand, handcuffed while tightly chained to his right hand. His eyes scream as he wants me and only me. But, his body stays still. No moves, not even a single little one move forward. He is frozen like a dead body. 

That is, how fucking selfish a man can be. 

'he wants you. but his ego tells him not to, neither lets himself to let go.', the crowd must have thought before finally look away to the girl while saying

'Poor that girl.'


No, this story hasn't ended yet. I have plenty to tell about.

It has always been about my confusion, my curiosity and my dumbness to know more than what I actually ought to. With Jason, it could sinful if you keep questioning things. You can't keep questioning, let alone asking bunches of literally questions. It is either you will be left unanswered, or you will be left with... yourself making up your very own conclusion.

and that's pretty exciting. It's like trial and error quest, when you got to passionately find the one that fits. When you finally found the right one; bingo!

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