untuk dia; makna

aku mencintai seorang pria yang ku fikir telah lama aku kenal 
berbulan lamanya ku fikir, dia lah orangnya 
pergi dan datangnya pula seolah malu tetapi mahu
ku kira, mungkin saja ini permainan laki-laki zaman ini

aku mencintai seorang pria yang entah dari mana
kadang saja, dia itu membahagiakan
kadang banyak pula, dia cuma orang-orang yang mahu saja aku terlupakan

aku mencintai seorang pria yang ku fikir telah lama aku kenal
lalu aku diamkan banyak celanya
aku bahasakan baik-baik saja soal dirinya 
untuk aku, dia itu bukan pria biasa-biasa 
pasti saja dia tahu apa yang diperlakukannya, lalu siapa kita ?

dalam diam dan dalam rahsia
dia ternyata bukan pria biasa-biasa
yang kamu bisa dengar, tapi buta-- 
yang kamu bisa lihat, tapi alpa-- 
soal cerita-ceritanya dia. 

berbulan lamanya ku kira dia ini tak kurang hanyalah picisan semata
yang hanya tahu datang adalah untuk pergi
mencintai pula dalam berniat untuk menyakiti
atau... aku yang selalu berburuk sangka
soal pria yang aku sendiri cinta 

kerana ternyata, setelah semuanya 
telah aku cintai seorang pria yang cintanya terlebih dulu mendahulukan Tuhan
untuk itu, aku ditinggalkan---
ketika cinta dia adalah jauh lebih baik dari cintaku yang tadinya.

@ Royal Botanical Garden, Edinburgh

look away

It was on April, since last two years after we first met. To this particular time, it has been a year long we don't see each other. We thought, I mean, I thought there will be no more Jason after August last year. Like usual, Jason left when things get hard. Jason would be in no vacant of time, when I pursue to meet each other. As always, Jason has been forever 'too' busy. 

I have accepted; the fact that a move shall be made. I must turn my way away from him. He held no good in me with him being silent and me not wanting any less than one lengthy explanation. Of all my confusion, my rage, my bottled up emotions, my endless tire of waiting too long, my continuous demand of attention and all that I ever received-- was nothing in return. 

What a waste, I have gathered all year long. 

I imagine being married to Jason sometimes, carrying his child, sharing household with him, working long hours in just to come back to Jason's love and affection-- that is to be still an imagination in my imagination. In my wild imagination, Jason will not be capable in providing whatever I need from him, I'll be extra too much for him, 'too kind', 'too beautiful', 'too smart' and however I try to be enough for him, I could just never be. 

My 'too much' has been the chaos that destroy Jason's ego. 

To his mind, he could never be enough for me and poetically, he would go silent while looking at me as I deserve someone better. and that is to be while he still hold my left hand, handcuffed while tightly chained to his right hand. His eyes scream as he wants me and only me. But, his body stays still. No moves, not even a single little one move forward. He is frozen like a dead body. 

That is, how fucking selfish a man can be. 

'he wants you. but his ego tells him not to, neither lets himself to let go.', the crowd must have thought before finally look away to the girl while saying

'Poor that girl.'


No, this story hasn't ended yet. I have plenty to tell about.

It has always been about my confusion, my curiosity and my dumbness to know more than what I actually ought to. With Jason, it could sinful if you keep questioning things. You can't keep questioning, let alone asking bunches of literally questions. It is either you will be left unanswered, or you will be left with... yourself making up your very own conclusion.

and that's pretty exciting. It's like trial and error quest, when you got to passionately find the one that fits. When you finally found the right one; bingo!

of summer and July

Get this into your mind, when people say they hate July, they actually hate the summer days. Summer has always been odd times, at least to my life. Only during summer I got to meet people I don't actually have chance to meet them in other season. They are I suppose to call 'summer people'; they are temporary and do not last long yet until the new season comes. That is odd. 

And summer people aren't typical ones. Of all possible casualties in this world and of time, they exist (read: available) only to your world on that particular time, and will eventually disappear not long after that. And when you meet them, you don't actually come to meet them on rough surface of know-each-other. It could be deep, personal and sentimental. Sometimes, it is close to something like 'almost' but actually never make it through the end. Only when summer ends, then they are gone. 

I start with July 2016, I met Jason. The guy who I have known for years but only had chance to know him deeper and more personal in the summer of 2016. It was lovely, fascinating, wonderful and peaceful at heart. I had stories of Jason somewhere in this blog, as because it was too precious I turned into fiction until I realised Jason's stories were valid only of that summer 2016. Nothing good to talk about  Jason anymore after that, at least that is one end to my summer stories. 

Move on to July 2017, I met two boys. Also, the ones I have known for years but only had chance to know them, talk to them throughout that summer of the year. And once again, I never heard of them on the following season. That was strange; one was from my primary school clans, and the other one was from my college old days. Both these boys; are legit from nowhere, but they are good and genuine. I could make it last long with one of them, but I wasn't sure so we all left when the season left then. 

and July 2018, luckily I learnt to not make it anymore with summer people. Maybe I'm sick with things that come and go, I'm sick with temporary, or this time I just want something that last all seasons. Maybe I'm getting 'more' adult, that I don't mess with some temporary connections anymore and craps that follow after that. So, it's safe to say I met none. 

No one was available, neither was I. 

But one thing I am quite sure of this whole summer thing is that, summer people are valid only in that season. We are just from everywhere in this world but it's home season for summer. Everybody just in vacant for anything new and (maybe) random; they are open to talk and are more free to get into connection. So, we mess with randoms, and randomly we are there for random people. We are not sure where we are going after the season ends, but neither we think it's important to know the after-direction because everything feels good. 

We don't need to know other things, but only what we have in that particular season. We cherish 'today' and never bother of 'tomorrow'. But wait until the reality comes in, we get to go back to our things, our life and our typical days where none of these summer people were exist before. 

by that time afterward, we may sometimes think about the summer people we met, but we seem to find no valid urge to pursue them anymore connections what more to even say 'hi, how are you' , we just get too busy. 

and in the end, we do agree that just like season, people change; we conclude ourselves. I concluded my summer stories all to myself. maybe it was just me, but i hate July. i hate summer. and i hate to tell myself:

"that's okay, this is life anyway. that's fine, Autumn is arriving."