As you wish, Orked.

A continuation of this previous post.

 Note that, this is narrated by Jason. 

I met Orked after years at this one event joined by a group of friends. I might know Orked, somehow, years ago. I might just not know her, I am still not sure that I can't tell. But, we met. Orked's love for coffee has been something I idolise about since the very first moment I saw her after years. She has always been like that, so passionate when talking about her things. The sparks in her eyes, the movement of her lips. Too beautiful, Orked is just too good to be true. I thought. 

I couldn't recall any of those days when I actually had the chance to talk to Orked in high school. We were so stranger to one another, and it must be extra overwhelming to get to talk to Orked. Orked has this aura, and for this reason I never want to talk to her. She is this extra; thus who am I to Orked's eyes in that particular time. Or maybe that's just me underrating my own self. 

My pulse stopped when actually Orked took a sit just in front of me. Now, that we are facing to one another; my heart stood still. I wanted to start the conversation, but no words of importance just yet. The small talks need to take their place, now. But would Orked ever want to go for my small talk? I am not sure, but that night, I underestimated on how good I am in talking to people. 

'So, how have you been?', I started. 

'Nothing much, I've just finished my short course, and currently waiting for the call to pursue the next stage of my studies. Nothing much, really. How about you?'

'Apparently I'm on my summer break. There's nothing much to do, than lying in bed and going out with friends sometimes.'

'That's cool, I've always wanted to just hanging out with friends. My recent two years have been very hectic. I rarely got time to socialise.'

She made an effort to talk to me, how nice it was. And then the rest of the night has been occupied of too much of goodnesses, I couldn't get it over. Eternity is before me: I had better to ask her out soon.

I asked her out exactly on my birthday, I kind of wanted to spend my birthday night with her. I wasn't sure of that, but I did ask her out. I couldn't think of any better days than that night. After a silence of some minutes in the car, I approached her with random question. 

'I like watching movies. Shall we give one watch together tonight?'

'Oh, that's cool. Movies have always been my things I do during leisure time. What is your favourite, just to be sure?'

'I think my favourite has always been The Usual Suspect. Have you seen that one?'

'Yes, it was a great one. No shame, but I didn't expect the ending to be like that. When I watched it with my brothers,  I got laughed by them as they said it was such an expected ending. Unless I am too dumb to not know it. Haha.

But I guess that was just their trick to get to call me the fool one.' 

We laughed out together. Orked had passionately told me how she has a big crush over Indonesian romance movies. She adores Nicholas Saputra, a little too much. She had saved her big heart for Indonesian poetry. She have always sounded smart, or maybe it is just her. She's indeed, a smart lady. She knows things quite well. To me, she is the smartest girl I've ever met. 
Yes, she is. 

To me, Orked is different. 
I never thought Orked could be that one girl I would promise a future. I mean, I never thought of anyone, either. I have my life, and my awesome cliques. I didn't want to lose this freedom, yet until I met Orked. She's different. Somehow, she changed me. In a way I've never imagined myself to be.

I started to talk about future plan with her. I shared how I recently started to get involve in business. I shared my business plan. I showed her the entire what I've done, and what I'll do. I wanted Orked to be a part of my present, more than that, I wanted her to be a part of my future.

In her, I have a firm belief.

I have never been so sure about a girl, but with Orked I kind of have something to save for her. Days after days, months after months, I realised I could make it in more better way. I wasn't sure how, but I wanted to tell her to keep waiting for I am not sure of what is coming. But, I had faith for good things to come. 

I hoped, that time, Orked would understand. There was no way for her not being understanding, she has a great understanding though. I thought, she knows me quite well; Orked must understand. 

But I broke her heart quite numerous times too. Sometimes, I lost my balance. I forgot to return calls. I left her hanging with blue ticks, unanswered questions, and un-replied emojis. Dare how could I do that, but I've tried. 

I've tried to give a part of myself as well. There was a night when I sent her my photo I took during winter. I made her close to my heart by sending her photos during my diving camp. I took her closer by bringing her enjoying my times during summer break. I took her everywhere. Though it was just a bunch of photos to get her imagining. 

I've tried. But true in what people said, love solely was never enough. 

I couldn't sacrifice for more. Orked had been too good, I must set her free than trap her for longer time with my unintended coldness towards her. But, I didn't have the heart to tell. 

Call me a jerk, I made myself silent for so long. I wanted Orked to stop by herself. 
Expectedly, she did. 

I remembered the last night I agreed on her to have our final conversation. It was after a year. 

'How are you doing, Jason? I want to make sure you going back to London with ease at heart. And if there was anything here that hold you back, I hope you can let it go. Even I, have let you go.'

'Thank you. You have been very nice, Orked.'

'Isn't it realistic that finally we got to give up on such beautiful feeling, over reasons we never sure about?'

'Wouldn't that lead to be a bit of idealising, you think? Because it was me that do not deserve the perfection of yours. You have been overqualified to stand besides me, Orked. And that is sufficed, I am quite sure, to just go to how it flows.'

'But if you’re imposing what you can’t find in yourself to that of others, then it might not be realistic to do so. It is, idealistic.

And it’s not always about finding someone who’s come ready with the whole of what you look for. Maybe there is room for growth together in any relationships.', Orked continues. 

I have no doubt with Orked's language. She must be true. I nodded. Why do I do this to myself. Orked had been waiting for the last chance, I could see through her eyes. She was to be nice, again. I told her, there will be a day. But, deep inside me, I never sure of when. And I didn't say any words that lead to rejections to her. Maybe, this was just like any other days I've put Orked through. She was going to hear my last reply. 

'As you wish, Orked. As you wish.'
without the heart to say 'no'.

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