first year of university; spent

So yesterday was the last day of my first year of undergraduates. It also means that one year has passed from the day I marked to be flying somewhere in Europe, for some reasons I did not; that I am here pursuing what I got to do all because I got to do what I got to do. Making it to local private university was never in my plan, settling down my study here in Malaysia was never in my plan, still; I am here. But surely that didn't upset me for so long, I got over it. I moved on. This is it. 

As much as I am being remembered to count every blessing, I must say I am blessed in the way I never have thought. Allah has indeed been so good to me, it just me; being this flawed me and screw things up every time. What did I do to deserve this good treat from Him. Ignore those material aspects, I am more delighted to address my gratitude to have both Bah and Ma, Dibby and all other sibs along with this process of me growing up. 

I had all the four papers done in two weeks, along that of one month of studying and revising. If I was to be in UK, that one month (like all other friends) would be spent either by travelling or just mesmerising the amazement of easter break. But nothing to regret, I was here enjoying my weekend visit seeing parents. What's better, though? 

Stop comparing, and embrace the way I have it here. That one thing I tell myself every time scrolling instagram feed while browsing through friends' legit hashtag #Ztravelogue. 

This one last month before final of the first year was to me, hell tiring. I got myself mad over those sleepless nights and endless dependency on coffee. And I had my phone gone half numb, due to my negligence. I couldn't communicate to anyone through text, but only call. So imagine the struggle when I am about to ask just one simple little thing and there is no other options but to call them instead? What. An. Effort. 

So here to the upcoming three months I'll be spending doing nothing. Well, I don't plan anything yet. Had to do internship in mind, but for some reasons I couldn't pursue it. But I'd like to earn some money, for fun. Still, no plan has been made just yet. Maybe later, when I get all everything unpacked and I'll start to do the thinking then; of how I'm gonna spend this long 3months break. 

this face you made after screwing up law paper; i mean it just me lah 

Happy holiday 🎉

to the guy who makes me wait

To the guy who makes me wait 
You would want to ask me why and how 
Somedays, somehow, you would want to know 
But now, 
Let us be frank, simple and, be easy 
For that is what I am capable of doing 
As this is a part of my liking
Towards you, in being here, spending my leisure in waiting. 

To the guy who makes me wait
You would want to know, why
Either less or more, look through my eye
You would know, how this is made
How this decision finally to be in state 
Of where I am firm and not being hesitate
How should you read me, shall you know how.

It may burn me
This waiting might burn me
Somedays, somehow when I am about to losing the courage
So now depends, for I am not among prophets and saints
My limitation somedays, somehow might come to numerous ends
be humble, despite do not just be gamble
By God's guidance, have a plan 
From state to state
In bringing this undefined feeling
To one final upcoming 
Upon awakening and under the Divine wing, 
Learn, my darling, on how to end this waiting. 


i'd be your writer

That's me; the brave girl who has fight way too long to reach this point
to be able to believe again, and 
to trust again
and that I chose you not because--
you are nothing flawed, or because 
you are anything bold
you are just you, your well-defined self
you are, the package of you as the one that I chose
despite, the intricate nature of yourself
despite, my heavy mind and impulsive heart
I made myself to choose you
despite various of options 
with all my reasons
you are chosen; for the logics I couldn't count
and for the sake I couldn't mount
you were, nothing all days before now
but today, you are the main actor in my story
the prologue I've produced at one page line 
the epilogue I'm about to have at end of time
this tale, you see, I'm about to tell--
is the journey of wanting and desiring
more or less about giving
sometimes, requires taking while-- loving
I may need some cooperations, a good persona acts in this story made
I may want you to stay, under this spotlight I've prepared
between my vulnerability and the courageousness of mine
for it has always been you in this insane mind
so be the role, be my hero
be this story's actor,
be my knight in shining armour
but do not just act, be more of real you --instead
be patient, for it's about to aim
for you to be the role in my world of main
be honest, for it's about to begin
for you to be the persona in this entire theater till the end
stay cool, my dear; I'm the best writer
and the best fit to make you the better
be nearer, i won't harm nor scare 
do not be in fear, instead be in my care
promise, this hand is made safe
so that's now as you have to believe and behave
trust, for I'm one of fantasy's best writers
made up of the best characters
i would create you stories and long letters
and for in all seriousness and madness,
I borne to be your ultimate writer, 
something for you to cherish, for no one luckier to have me but--
you as my tale's warrior.