I say to them;
"I don't wait. I know how to be smart at this."

But, internally, I did wait. 

And today, I don't have to anymore. Someone has just came back, someone that I possibly would wait even for an entire life. I doubt my says, somehow. 

This day, I remembered of how those nights I kept talking to wall and instantly got a respond from the noises of fan. On this same day, I remembered of those nights when I thought that the dark night could eventually rise anytime soon. And, I remembered of those moment I got stumbled, nearly fall down to earth. 

As a girl who has been bruised by life lessons, I can't live my life without further expectations. Not a day, I can live my life without having a benchmark for them to tick on. And today, of this same day, I learnt that I always have to learn. 

No one is the same. No one is created similar. Every of each comes as a handy book, to be read. To be discovered, throughly. And how awful I could be as a person for thinking that they are all the same? 

Thus, shame on me. 

I shouldn't be lazy on this. This time one's worth forever. At least, for this time being this one deserves an exact amount of chance, the same definite focus from my side eternally. I should not be too vicious for expecting something that was never in someone's capacity. I should then, be fair enough. 

An unconditional understanding is thus, expected. 

Of all other things I might be expecting in future time, I shall get them buried. And I, in today's new reflection, promise, to see the good in you.

I prefer to see the good in you, my dear. 

The thing about heart

This post will be labelled in #thoughts label. Thus, it should be noticed that it is subjected to my very own personal opinion. At least, to what I think. In all means, you may digress. 

Love, has actually started ... 

Growing up to twenty-one this year, I can simply say that todays's modern romance sucks. What I mean is that, the pattern and the brand new definition of companionship as in the context of love and relationship to us (the new generation) has really changed. See, it is hard even by just putting it into words. 

At least to this day, having feelings, being ready to become vulnerable for someone, getting ready for commitment, or even entering a declared relationship are all bring to different entities. We made this so complicated, it looks like hell of stages. Thus, i can say the era of Romeo Juliet has long ago ended. Today's love can be really conditional to terms and situations. I'm indicating myself, too. No offense. 

Well, the logic behind this (might be) because todays' us have been wiser and smarter by past experiences and future references. We made ourselves beware of any consequences we might be having thus, to put ourselves to the ultimate 'vulnerable-state' requires a deep thinking and such wide observation as well.

In the end, we chose to 'play safe'. 

I like you. You like me. But not commitment be subjected to any. We made it simple. But well, simple sometimes can be complicated. 

I could still remember, when I got accused of 'building my own man' for wanting a secure and established man, for choosing to not enter any relationships until I get myself ready. By ready, I mean equipped. By saying ready, I mean rich. I might be heard as materialistic woman by now. Well, I shall first define how rich can be become so abstract and semantics. 

Of all the tricks and tips you might have heard, I guess I still hold to my firm belief that loving yourself is most crucial. You gotta just love yourself, and you will be fine. By loving yourself, you are opening up to more self-enrichment. And that's how you become firm and stronger for your very own self. 

Acquire even more beneficial skills, for yourself. Polish yourself spiritually, for yourself. Understand your wants and needs, for yourself. Be nice, to yourself. Challenge yourself. Be an open book, for yourself. 

And suprisingly, by loving yourself you'll be more connected to God as well. Because you know you are not self-made. You are you, because Allah has created such a perfect you. And then, I promise, it will be sufficient when you can put the most right thing at the most right place. For whatever comes to your heart after that, it will find the reasonable spot after that. You are sufficed, with the sufficient. 

Taking Yasmin Mogahed's simple metaphor, it can be understood as we are all a car. And for every cars, there must be one most crucial tank to make it working and efficiently moving. In this car context, the fuel tank is the most center (the most important part). Of course, anything can applied to the fuel tank as long as it is halal. Anything. Similarly, that in love, you can be in love with anything. Your wealth. Your family. Your children. Your spouse. Your lover, of course. Also the same way anything included an apple juice or a honey solution (as long as it is, halal) it can be filled to the tank. However, it  cannot be sufficient because it is well-reserved. You won't it is sufficient. It is reserved for something that is its. Imagine putting in the apple juice to the tank. Well, of course, the car won't move thus then will make it even worse. The car will be destroyed eventually. Same goes, to the heart. Same applied, to the self.

This is the thing about heart.
The tank is reserved to the one and only Allah; the almighty. 
Even the orange juice won't do. Even any halal means won't do. 

That's why, loving the most righteous is the first step of all. At least, it is the catalyst to have the last long relationship you will enter soon after you love the supposed means; The Essence of the Essence.

You, ignorant of the marrow, deceived by the skin,
Be aware. The Beloved is at the center of your soul.
The essence of the body is sensation
And the essence of the senses is the soul.
When you transcend body, senses, and soul, all is He.  -Rumi. 

I couldn't say (trust me, this will be effective) but as what I know, you gotta love what you gotta love first. If you have all everything in its place, there's no way you can't handle the upcoming hurdles in relationship. As to what all of us know, this is indeed a journey of ups and downs. It isn't all roses. Thus, a firm and well-equipped preparation is needed. 

And before you enter marriage, ask yourself first why in the first you are getting married. And before any other else, ask yourself 'would you marry yourself, anyways?'.

Enter a relationship rich, not poor. 

After you have done everything, just all everything that is needed. 
Have tawakkul.

"Education" ; as what they call it

While in trying to fit myself in this most tech-advanced millennium era with all the issues of all around the world are just in between tips of fingers; I decided to check the "whats in" todays. And in most decent way the medium told me the most trending issue in order of hierarchy which of which is more "in", the info was there. And my eyes as always,  got caught by the most top one that relates with this particular university. Oh yea, university. My mind was in wow as the progressive malaysian has now becoming more intelligent from day to day that people nowadays has started to talk about university!

University = Education (university means education)

They are getting aware of education! Progressive! Progressive!

Good awareness! Good education! University! All are educated! All will be less judgemental! Malaysian be less judgemental! Oh wow!

(My thoughts at that current moment)


But then again, it was all a thought. My thought merely about that and stops there. It wasn't the real issue here. The issue was about this well known motivator that has so many followers (including me) that as from what we heard this particular philosophy doctor has manipulated everyone with his fake education background. Oh well, lying and manipulating are both a crime, but then (for me) it's so arguable here for us to subject the person as "the most sinful among us".

Of course he can be subjected to a criminal doing. One point. And that's how people can always put in consideration of so many other points to still own some respects towards this notable person's contribution. I'm not supporting , neither bashing. What I meant is to be fair enough in accounting one's being for us to pay them a respect they deserve. As to what I think, we Malaysians are still to be considered judgemental for thinking this doctor is so sinful he didn't deserve our respect.

This issue of education as to what I think has become a serious sickness in people nowadays. On how we putting value to a person considering their education level. Education yet to me is subjective. Like you got a lower price as a human for having certificate than the one with diploma. Same goes to you are just nothing as to be compared with the one with a degree. Likewise, those who hold the phd doctorate certificate would be at the top of this hierarchy of human price. (Price ; monetary value we put on someone)

At least to me, the price of one's degree is nothing equivalent to the person's value as human-being. It still has nothing to do about how much duit hantaran should be given considering she held a uk-degree of double degree of combination of mathematics and metaphysics from abroad. Also, has nothing to do about how much we should pay them with respect. As if everything should accounted in quantitative measure rather than qualitative measure one held.

The issue is; we misintepreted what 'education' should really mean. We defined education as something to be proud of, or as a reason either one's opinion is valuable or not, either their words should be listened or not. 

After all, we are all the same. I'm not generalizing or trying to miscount the amount of money you've put on education certificate you're having or then similarizing you as the same with others who didn't finish their highschool. No. I'm talking about quality here despite the degree you hold there. 

Experiences are a part of the process of you obtaining the education certificate; and that what matters. 

We value experience here, we value their ability to think, the additional skills they hold, their personality as a person, the quality of their life, how they think, how they look and reflect, how they observe something, their perspective of life, their consistency in learning new things. All these matter and shall be put in consideration if we were to put a price on someone.

But then again, we are not some sorts of a " thing "to be price-tagged on.

Education is nothing to do with a paper you got with your name written on; that's more that just that. That's why the idea of attending a university should be first be taken into account; on what's the real motive of going for one. Of course it's not about settling for a high-paid job once graduated, or just do it because everyone else is going to university. One should go for university because they are passionate with learning new things, because they are excited with the ideas of education itself. 

In the end, if everyone can have a good education with a good motives, and the goals will be achieved. Imagine the idea of this world is occupied with educated people who are humble, civilized; ofc we could have reached more better world of living.

Someone commit a mistake, we forgive. Someone achieve a doctorate in education, we be proud of them. Someone excel in exam, we cherish. Someone fail in test, we lift them up. 

I am not going to say that education is not important. Neither will I say it's crucial enough for a us to be a notable human being solely based on the education level we held. That's not a single factor to anything. That is then return to how we value something over something; based on the qualitative measure.

Educated people are not from those who hold a "Dr." infront of their surname, also not from those who studied abroad. They are those who contribute to a value of nation, those that teach but still learning, those who are humble enough to commit mistake and are ready for critics for the sake of their own value as a person; for the sake of education itself.

The story of home I built with Ma

As how every story starts it good with "once upon a time" or "legend has it", I do have a tale I built with my dearly Ma. Well, they say tale is merely a story that often uses 'forever'. Though we all know they lie that every tale will finally end eventually; and forever is like a fraudulent promise no one could hold onto.

In the end, let's agree some promises are just words.

My tale has it, I have a dream and Ma has it, too. Note that, I call it a tale for it has ended. Just so. 

We dreamt that we'll have our own empire that is blessed of so many pure souls that will then be nurtured with knowledge together with us. It was pure one; the intention of Ma and me. We wanted to build a home of happiness and knowledge. Ma sees that as happiness. I see that as educational. We merged the dream becoming one. 

Ma was the sole manager and incredible pursuer. While, me was a helper. A thoughtful one. 

Ma settled down only in few weeks, she is indeed the superwoman in my life. Though at her 50's, there is nothing she could not do, when Ma being herself. Her passion is something I couldn't find in any other women. Not even within myself. I wish to steal her passion somedays. 

We began to collect everything needed one by one. Little by little, we managed to furnish the home exactly like a home. We hoped, that day, this one home will last forever. I had a wish to take good care of it though I might have something better to do in my life plan. 

That moment, I secretly wished I could make this last long; this home we built. 

Everything bought was on cash, except for few things that we couldn't afford a straight cash at a time so then Ma decided to list it on as credit for some limited times until it can be fully paid. Ma knows what she's doing, i know. We all know. We, of course, had our faith in her.

"When starting business, always prioritize cash. Do not ever start the business with debt. Do not trouble your business by starting it with loans" 

I guess, even my accounting lecturer never said that. Such a good advice from non-business background woman like Ma. She knows what she's doing. 
She's indeed both a great teacher and learner. Even at her 50's she never give up learning new things, she always seek knowledge to polish her faith and self. Ma is a reader, a good one; coz you'll find her sharing every information that might be beneficial to her daughters and family. A preach to her, indeed.

That time was perfect. I just finished my highschool and was waiting for my result for higher level of education. As what they always tell me, I dreamt too much. I dreamt too big. 

I didn't see myself settling down my undergraduate at any local universities. I've always imagined myself going to class with three pieces of clothes while wearing black favorite boots of mine. Maybe, I was imagining myself studying at Alaska. Lel. But that's how it came, the so big dream of mine and the name of our home built. 

'Impian Najihah'; Najihah because it's my another name. The name that I rarely use, because it's too perfect for someone as broken as me. 

It was raining back then. With the old car of ours, Ma took a drive with me. To get our very first customer.

Our very first fortunate pure soul to be taken care of was the one that we managed to meet their family ourselves. Yes, that's how Ma doing her business, she goes to customer instead. She convinced that we are a good team, and of course can be trusted. Ma is indeed, good with words. She could make someone think twice before saying no that eventually it's a yes at last. She's amazing with this. A talent, i guess. 

Months by months, everything went so well. 

We managed to carry out our every activites scheduled, everything was running smooth and steady. And Ma still as strong as she could, physically and emotionally. With some of our workers helping, we are more than just a team. 

Until that day, when everything gone a lil bit out of track. We realized that, it has too much holes to be fixed if we were to last this home the longest. I won't tell too much how it ended, the dream, the home and everything relating. 

I took further step in my life that time. I had things to manage thus letting Ma alone with the home. Not everyone really understand this concept of home we built. That's why it was getting uncontrollable at times when Ma becoming not as strong as she was. I wished by that time, to have more hands, more legs, more me(s).  So that I can be in many places at a time, so that I can help. 

It was depressing part of all the tales you might heard.
One thing for sure, such thing as broken dream is real. 

Something aren't meant to last long, like how you imagined it would. Something are meant to be demolished before it worsen. Something are meant to be lost, before we have the chances to get something better. 

That is how it goes, Impian Najihah was a metaphor to my real dream. And for Ma, too. Ma's tale aren't meant to be true. It lasts as that; impian dan dongeng. 

Today, while writing this entry; I want to strongly remember few things. 

That I deserve a good life, a better one. That my walls shall be high, too high not everyone can pass through. Only a strong warrior would do. That to achieve a dream, you can and you may. But you cannot do it alone, so take a good partner. By a good partner, I mean the loyal enough to stay with through ups and downs. By a good partner, I mean the supportive one. And that would be enough to make everything last long. I doubt my says. 

You may doubt my tale. 
You may think what I told is hard to be understood nor imagined. 

But you cannot doubt that at some levels in life. You gotta give in, and put an end to it. 

Something just meant to be lost. Hold onto my words.


thought that kills

Maybe. I watched too much movies, that my life seems to be like one. Some movies are meant to be remembered, the plot with the memorable dialogues and quotes, the effect of acting, the soundtracks; like I was one of the character technically. I was the hero back then. The spotlight was definitely on me. Everything felt so much alive, and as if I was living in the city potrayed in the movie. The sadness, the ups and downs, the joyness and happiness parts, were all about me. The movie is like my life in real.

Or maybe, my life is like a movie. 

Well, they say, Art imitates life and sometimes it is the other way around. How far it is applied to my dearly life? 

What it feels like being a Bruce Wayne, that you have everything so decent that your only job is only to help people? What it feels like being a Forest Gump, when life is just so unpredictable but managed to settle everything just in place? What it feels like being an Amazing Amy, when though everything could so uncontrollable at times, she managed to get all her everything into sense all over again in the end?

You see, I recall only good things that stored in my limited memory. I see only good. I potray only the ending of everything that will eventually fall into place at the final scene. 

I was wrong. Indeed. Movie is the observation of life. 
Movies are driven by life. 

I was wrong. My bad asides. My life isnt like a movie. The element of likeness of some stories in the movie that made me feel like one. I was wrong. 

I'm not like Bruce Wayne, I couldnt even be like one. I'm not like Forest Gump, I couldnt even be like one. No, I'm no similar with Amazing Amy, I couldnt even be like one. 


One moment to ponder, what if, by chance, my husband cheats on me? Just like how the husband of Amy has cheated on her. Is Amy's subsequent action relevant? What she might do better? What could I do? What would you do? 

I doubted, as if we all could be like in the movie. Like the timing. Like so the actions. 

As if killing is allowed and as if submitting to suicide is acceptable; in that limited 2hours and 30minutes. While in reality, timing as 'forever' could be too subjective for such an abstract matter called; life. 

Mess. My thoughts are in mess. 

Pardon for that. 
I would end this writing by now. 

The "dont read" series #2

Here goes me writing this after discovering such significant most logical reason to justify almost everything that later has brought me to a new perpective of something something. Like the pain that triggered my madness and sanity, I've always thought that logic is just a man-made senseless ideology. And something said aren't meant to be true all the time. It is, on one hand, subjected to some factors. Prolly because none of us is identical. Rhetorically, we are a just slave of theories and mad statements in proving truthness of something. Pages by pages; it brought me into a conclusion. That I finally have found a reason. Coz boy listen, girls just need a reason. For whatever you may say, silence to us also do mean an answer. But boy, this girl is super smart and that she reads a lot. She reads a lot, she assumed you assumed she would always have known everything. Well, that's when you are wrong, dude. Boy say no more, you sure you are from mars? 

Be in your cave for lifetime, coz boy listen;  I dont care. Im done. 

you like who you like

if you're a follower of the series and its full sequel of sepet by yasmin ahmad; then you'll find this statement to be so familiar. it was told by orked when being questioned by her bestfriend regarding orked's interest to like jason; the chinese boy she happened to meet in pasar malam while looking for takeshi kaneshiro's new movies.

it goes like this; 

"so why jason"
"idk. you like who you like la"

i've come to think that we all are like that. when being questioned the reason we like something or someone;we begin to structure and create an answer. either it's something physical or just an abstract one. however, it is ourselves that have the capacity to validate the answer we'd give.

we owe the explanation.

in the end, it will prolly be endless. because on top of every answer given, we begin to agree that 'you like who you like'.

at least, that's definite.

you don't fall in love with your ideal type. 

it's who you fall in love with, becoming your ideal type

because after all, and before anyone else; 
"you like who you like lah"

I hope you live a little louder in this new year

In this new year; I hope you'll take the most risky decision to challenge you
In by choosing me. Though this is hard to be explained either through my words or by your way of understanding; let us follow the flow by staying still in whatever we feel about ourselves. I would say that, you are always true with your feeling and whatever you think inside mind; and so am I. Either it's by choosing me or not, either it's the travel trip around Europe or just anywhere in the world; just go for it. It is in these hard moments that we could grow wiser and at most. So I hope that you decide to challenge yourself in this new year.

Know that your mind and body, and everything that's you; are more powerful than what you think it is. You are; indeed more magical than you think it seems.

In this new year I hope you say yes to alot of beneficial stuffs
Say yes to stay connected with your loved ones you haven't meet for months. Say yes to start a conversation with strangers you find walking by. Say yes to even more sleepless night to learn new things and discover great thinkings. Say yes to join a new hobby. Say yes to try new food you haven't taste since ever. Say yes to opportunities. Say yes to challenges. Say yes to chances. Just all, because you deserve it.

Say yes because by saying yes you would end up knowing rather that spend your lifetime wondering of what could have happened.
Say yes to me.

In this new year, I hope you go for what you want
I hope you stop the second thought and all the what-if(s). You just need to leave everything behind and go to fight for what you want. Either it's as simple as your want to buy a new guitar or a dream you've been living in, even a future you've been believed in; go for it.

I hope you stop holding back. For life, is too short for being hesitant all the times. Put on your confidence coat and take a step forward.

In this new year, I hope you are fearless
Stop thinking that you might not ace it. Infact, you will. You will reach the destination, eventually. You will be graduating just right on time. You will succeed.

Use your head to think, and i hope, you listen to what your heart says; too.

In this new year, I hope you live louder
I hope you would smile often and wider. I hope you would laugh more. I hope you would stop hanging to negativity; because you deserve to be happy by feeling happy. I hope you surround yourself with people that make you feel alive and loud. I hope you could inspire anyone that pass by you; at wherever you go. I hope you speak out whatever you've been thinking, I hope you have the courage to say out loud for whatever you feel or think.

You deserve attention. You deserve to be heard.

I hope you live louder, shiner and brighter.

I got your back, my dear. Go, discover your life.

Happy new year.