As you wish, Orked.

A continuation of this previous post.

 Note that, this is narrated by Jason. 

I met Orked after years at this one event joined by a group of friends. I might know Orked, somehow, years ago. I might just not know her, I am still not sure that I can't tell. But, we met. Orked's love for coffee has been something I idolise about since the very first moment I saw her after years. She has always been like that, so passionate when talking about her things. The sparks in her eyes, the movement of her lips. Too beautiful, Orked is just too good to be true. I thought. 

I couldn't recall any of those days when I actually had the chance to talk to Orked in high school. We were so stranger to one another, and it must be extra overwhelming to get to talk to Orked. Orked has this aura, and for this reason I never want to talk to her. She is this extra; thus who am I to Orked's eyes in that particular time. Or maybe that's just me underrating my own self. 

My pulse stopped when actually Orked took a sit just in front of me. Now, that we are facing to one another; my heart stood still. I wanted to start the conversation, but no words of importance just yet. The small talks need to take their place, now. But would Orked ever want to go for my small talk? I am not sure, but that night, I underestimated on how good I am in talking to people. 

'So, how have you been?', I started. 

'Nothing much, I've just finished my short course, and currently waiting for the call to pursue the next stage of my studies. Nothing much, really. How about you?'

'Apparently I'm on my summer break. There's nothing much to do, than lying in bed and going out with friends sometimes.'

'That's cool, I've always wanted to just hanging out with friends. My recent two years have been very hectic. I rarely got time to socialise.'

She made an effort to talk to me, how nice it was. And then the rest of the night has been occupied of too much of goodnesses, I couldn't get it over. Eternity is before me: I had better to ask her out soon.

I asked her out exactly on my birthday, I kind of wanted to spend my birthday night with her. I wasn't sure of that, but I did ask her out. I couldn't think of any better days than that night. After a silence of some minutes in the car, I approached her with random question. 

'I like watching movies. Shall we give one watch together tonight?'

'Oh, that's cool. Movies have always been my things I do during leisure time. What is your favourite, just to be sure?'

'I think my favourite has always been The Usual Suspect. Have you seen that one?'

'Yes, it was a great one. No shame, but I didn't expect the ending to be like that. When I watched it with my brothers,  I got laughed by them as they said it was such an expected ending. Unless I am too dumb to not know it. Haha.

But I guess that was just their trick to get to call me the fool one.' 

We laughed out together. Orked had passionately told me how she has a big crush over Indonesian romance movies. She adores Nicholas Saputra, a little too much. She had saved her big heart for Indonesian poetry. She have always sounded smart, or maybe it is just her. She's indeed, a smart lady. She knows things quite well. To me, she is the smartest girl I've ever met. 
Yes, she is. 

To me, Orked is different. 
I never thought Orked could be that one girl I would promise a future. I mean, I never thought of anyone, either. I have my life, and my awesome cliques. I didn't want to lose this freedom, yet until I met Orked. She's different. Somehow, she changed me. In a way I've never imagined myself to be.

I started to talk about future plan with her. I shared how I recently started to get involve in business. I shared my business plan. I showed her the entire what I've done, and what I'll do. I wanted Orked to be a part of my present, more than that, I wanted her to be a part of my future.

In her, I have a firm belief.

I have never been so sure about a girl, but with Orked I kind of have something to save for her. Days after days, months after months, I realised I could make it in more better way. I wasn't sure how, but I wanted to tell her to keep waiting for I am not sure of what is coming. But, I had faith for good things to come. 

I hoped, that time, Orked would understand. There was no way for her not being understanding, she has a great understanding though. I thought, she knows me quite well; Orked must understand. 

But I broke her heart quite numerous times too. Sometimes, I lost my balance. I forgot to return calls. I left her hanging with blue ticks, unanswered questions, and un-replied emojis. Dare how could I do that, but I've tried. 

I've tried to give a part of myself as well. There was a night when I sent her my photo I took during winter. I made her close to my heart by sending her photos during my diving camp. I took her closer by bringing her enjoying my times during summer break. I took her everywhere. Though it was just a bunch of photos to get her imagining. 

I've tried. But true in what people said, love solely was never enough. 

I couldn't sacrifice for more. Orked had been too good, I must set her free than trap her for longer time with my unintended coldness towards her. But, I didn't have the heart to tell. 

Call me a jerk, I made myself silent for so long. I wanted Orked to stop by herself. 
Expectedly, she did. 

I remembered the last night I agreed on her to have our final conversation. It was after a year. 

'How are you doing, Jason? I want to make sure you going back to London with ease at heart. And if there was anything here that hold you back, I hope you can let it go. Even I, have let you go.'

'Thank you. You have been very nice, Orked.'

'Isn't it realistic that finally we got to give up on such beautiful feeling, over reasons we never sure about?'

'Wouldn't that lead to be a bit of idealising, you think? Because it was me that do not deserve the perfection of yours. You have been overqualified to stand besides me, Orked. And that is sufficed, I am quite sure, to just go to how it flows.'

'But if you’re imposing what you can’t find in yourself to that of others, then it might not be realistic to do so. It is, idealistic.

And it’s not always about finding someone who’s come ready with the whole of what you look for. Maybe there is room for growth together in any relationships.', Orked continues. 

I have no doubt with Orked's language. She must be true. I nodded. Why do I do this to myself. Orked had been waiting for the last chance, I could see through her eyes. She was to be nice, again. I told her, there will be a day. But, deep inside me, I never sure of when. And I didn't say any words that lead to rejections to her. Maybe, this was just like any other days I've put Orked through. She was going to hear my last reply. 

'As you wish, Orked. As you wish.'
without the heart to say 'no'.

One strange morning

A continuation from this previous post. 

Note that, this is narrated by: Orked

The shop was too crowded, and it was my first time there. From the Google search I did last night, the shop will be over occupied as early as 7am onwards. I must be early I said, earlier than 9am's Jason. A minute to 9am- anytime now, I thought. 

There was like a very long line of people queuing for the best Chee Cheong Fun in town. While I wasn't sure of what to have for this breakfast date, my eyes just couldn't stop wandering around. Tried hard not to look at each entry, for it has been a year not seeing Jason; this must my nervous wreck all over again. 

I've booked a table inside, just at the centre of the shop. Got two chairs for this table, I thought this must be just perfect for this breakfast date. Well, Jason mustn't changed from the last time I saw him, a year ago. Very punctual. I saw him first, from inside. I saw him taking a table outside. I swore over myself, that I must have forgot the fact that smoking area has always been the outside. How could I forget, how could I. 

It took 2mins to actually go to Jason that apparently had waiting outside. I felt the awkwardness, but there was nothing more I've been longing to, than to see his face, all over again. Just like the year that has passed. I must have missed him too much this time.

I took a chair beside him, now we are up fronting the entry of the shop; like a view. 

'It has been awhile. It's good to see you again, welcome back, Jason.'

It was strange, he didn't even replied with thank you before actually continues 

'So it must be frustrating for you not seeing me for such a long period of time.', says Jason with a little laugh at the end of his sentence. 

I laughed, as well. To break the ice, just to be less awkward. 

I ordered my coffee. Jason ordered his plain water. And we ordered a buttered toast, each. 

'I thought you drink coffee, Jason. Things must have changed, don't they?'

'I am on my gym schedule, it just the cut sugar thingy, just to be specific.', Jason acts cold. 

'I see.', I nodded. As there was his statement I need to agree to. This wasn't as the usual, I thought. 

I know this thing quite well. It is not about the awkwardness of two people not seeing each other for quite awhile. This is when feeling has lost its balance. I know. 

'I must have loved you extra too much, Jason. And what about you, like men losing his aim and objectives, why are you acting so savage? What wrongs have I made this time?'

'I don't know what to say anymore. I have things and priorities to handle.'

I heard them clear and harsh. It was strange but that sentence has penetrated my heart so painfully. 

'What do you need? I can provide you more time like how you've always got from me. I can give you years even decades, because that's just your trick in buying my time. Haven't it always like that?'

'Now you're acting a little more sarcastic than me.'

'We lost our way a long time ago. You realised, but you never want to act upon it. You kept silent, like a stone grown far too mature in the cave. You made me as I am such a fool; to be lied over waiting and waiting some more days.'

'I couldn't commit, I just realised it  A woman isn't what and who I need. I can't even fit you in any of my schedule and life. Of all I know, I do really like you. It just that, my time has been too mean to not allow me to give more than what I could. You are out of my capacity to earn, this time. I'm sorry.'

'You must have created another false hope this time, Jason. I can't remember any of those days you say this was an issue. Committing has should never be in our argument. I never owe your freedom, not even your life and commitment.

You mustn't seen me as the burden. You mustn't seen anything you love as your burden. How dare you could think that way? '

'This world has been too mean, and so am I. You can wait for me if you want to. All of these, I say, 
as you wish, Orked.', says Jason to sound mean. 

'This prediction was but half fulfilled. You acting easy, was the only thing that's in your capacity, isn't it Jason? And all of our dreams weigh on our spirits now, what am I to you? You say you like me: but truthfully no, you didn't. 

You don't know me enough to like me. You were just in love with me, and that time has long ago ended. What is left now, in you, is your ego, your insufficiency and your fragile-looking future.'

Jason reaches for one of his cigarettes, lights it and then leans back in the chair. Perhaps this is how I should stop describing this strange morning. I, on the other side, sip my coffee and try to imagine what it would be if things never even started in the first place. 

Or I shouldn't see Jason and be in love with him. Or perhaps I shouldn't meet him after we fall for each other, for the very early moment was too beautiful I wanted to stay adoring Jason and his manliness from afar; without hatred and regret. Pure and innocent, like him, in my mind projecting. 

The prologue of a tale

A continuation of this previous post. 

'I made up my mind. I finally figured out. That, somehow, something's going not right. I mean, it doesn't necessarily to be right or wrong though.

But I believe, it just the feeling I am talking about now. Dare to say it's not true, for I am more than heartfelt to claim the state of you and me. Thus, tell me, how are you feeling, Jason?'

Jason just stood there for a minute, he looked calm. This time, his calmness isn't like the usual; more of having things structured in his mind. He looks as he wants to say something,
so then he says

'There's no way you cannot be true, this time. I have deeply think over and over, I must not in well state of mind to say that I don't like you. In fact, I do.

But Orked, I must be too afraid to pour my heart out for you, and for us. Clearly, for your side of view, if you have the same positive feeling as I do, let's make it work through time. I would like to wait; for us to be true.'

'That's the loveliest and honest words to be heard. Let us, Jason. Let us.'

Orked smiles and then continues

'But I have some worries inside my heart. We are going places, and far from one another. Would things be fine, after all? What could happen then?'

Jason presses his lips together. They have been sitting side by side, leaning against the back of his couch, but now he moves away from her; trying to think of something. Silence filled the room.

'I don't know. We don't know either. But I have faith that things are going to be just fine. For from your eyes, I see my future. From your smile, I picture our potential. There is a good thing waited for us in future, I believe. Worry no more, Orked.

We take things slowly. Shall we?'

And.. that was the start of everything. The night that wasn't just about declaration but likely a promise to stay true. To love from the bottom of each other's heart. To discover the magnificent of love, to always know that they are all not alone. They have each other's back after all.

between the lines; read

When we met, the condition was perfect, it wasn’t raining but the sun was shy, it wasn’t cloudy but fucking bears could’ve bounced around playing hide and seek, the temperature gave me the same feeling when facing you to those post coital cigarettes, it was real but yet bizarre, the condition was perfect and that was when we met. Your endless consumptions of cigarettes in a minutely basis was the perfect example to justify how perfect our love story was that day. You were perfect and me as well; we both two doves who were crazily amazed with how fate has joined us into one line. We were drived with our cray cray uncontrollable amazement that we just crossed the line without bothering the look people would gave, the judgement people would thrown us. We both were perfect with our insanely unlogical love tale we created. 

Your eyes, they reminded me of the African savannah and as I travel through it I reached your heart and in your heart the wild fucking animals are fucking racing, like pros, I was staring. Your timing was perfect, you felt I was staring and your eyes, your sorrow wandering eyes, they caught my eyes, we froze, we stood there like statues made of clay, meant to be stoic. It was so dramatic. Dramatic as hell, we promised. The promise that we knew might take years even decades but just as long as it included you and me; we know well we'll be just fine. Fuck the timing, fuck everything; you loved me you said. I believed too, I believed every of your words slipped out of your tongue. Coz i know, I know for God's sake you were telling truth. The undeniable true of truth in the name of your Godly life's policy of "I am a man with words".

When our retinal coordination fell into place. I felt you were looking right through me. It was painful yet delightful, wrong, yet, well wrong wass good, felt as if my soul was pierced with inanimate stuff like the freakin TV with all its HD wonders which works the same like those horse tranquilisers just to be specific.  It was so eclectic, I’m sorry, electric. You are electric. Electric that forced me to do something that never was never in my to-do list ever, but I did. I did despite my shy shy cat natural behavior, I showed you what I could offer as a very good and loyal young lover. Oh that moment was the fantastic one I fall for you everytime we had times together. I know at that moment, you were meant for my entire life. 

Until one day, one day with so unpredictable movement of yours, you were about to opening your mouth. You asked me so politely that no guys ever did that ; "why you chose me" and me ; just another innocent girl trapped in this game of nonsense trying to excel every criteria of a good lover I suggested a line that without me realizing that was actually a bomb. The sadist one. We promised for an unknown limited time. I was in puzzle but fuck puzzle I was up for any challenges this game could offer. I waited. I waited for days, weeks and months. Boy i was right about everything , about everything but not you. I was the only one who believed in time. I travelled through time to a fake soul who never intended to be in the spot in the first place. 

Boy boy, listen, fate always has its little joke. 

Just like how things work in the universe, the logical sequence of events, the chain of causality, it was predictable, it made sense, you came again. After so fucking long and tiring timing you gave, we locked a day. No you lied. You didn't. I came with this shameless full thick face of mine; I came to justify your fucking sins towards this innocent soul of mine. I requested a time ; might be the final last one and we needed to then say something, fuck just say anything, and that is when I saw your mouth started coordinating movements through words on the worthless tech-advanced of whatsapp I noticed your "typing"  but my focus was the reply so fuck your reply. I imagined your words, your lovable worlds just like the old times. Your new number with a new profile picture; it wanted to say something, of course it wanted to, would I understand? I didn’t think it mattered but I did understand, that was when you said,

“I don't deserve you" 

That's when the sequel stopped; you know it's all a tale told. Fuck a tale. 

And fuck you, too. 

the kind of woman she is

Decent manners
Wrapped by laces and organza
Modest in prominence
Also her stiletto and velvet clutch
Those are her whole fine garments
And definitions
Of a woman that shines and lights
In fact, she is a mistress wanted by all misters

Euphoria in her scents
In black she wraps up herself in mystery
Or maybe is it just her misery
That’s hidden beneath her rank in the society
Indeed, she is a mademoiselle hated by all madams

Though of all matters
She is just herself
A woman that is proud of her being—
The kind of woman she is.


what are you and who are you?

what is your first love?
Mom's love.

who is your first love?
my first heartbreak. 

what are you?
young and promising.

who are you?
new and different. 


half of year to the land of whites

It's still a dream, at least to this day.
That we all are still hoping, to feel the winter, to touch tulips during spring, to immerse the emotions during summer, and yet to be surrounded with whites and diversity of the World.
Life has always been a journey, and mine is a transition from a place to another. 
The age after 17 was the long age, but fast in motion. 
I met faces, i knew names, i shared stories.

Millions of them, sometimes trillions of them. 
I might miss this chance again. I might pass this one with success, somehow.
It all perhaps. But it sure passes my control.
I know where to go, what to do, what to expect.
I am in super controlled. By my own hands, and my own thoughts.

Nothing to lose, yet I have everything to gain. 
That's at least pretty much sums up this stage of age. 
I am sufficed. 

This is for closing up of the stage when it is left by half of year to the land of whites;
and diversity of life. 

Till then. 

@ Heriot-Watt University, Malaysia

Peaches by yasmin ahmad

in the blossom
of our love,
I am suffocated by
it's rotting.

It happens
that it happens.

When a man and a woman
first meet,
they are at their
most polite,
Never again,
from that moment on,
will they be
as sweet,
or will their
smiles be
as genuine,
or will their eyes be
as playful,
or will their longing be
as pure
or as powerful,
as on that first
accidental meeting.

It is as though
a heart that falls
in love
a peach
at the peak of
it's ripeness;
and velvet to the touch,
but destined
to decay
and decay.

Would it that
the heart could love
a lover
with as much
and as few
as when it loves
a friend.

the woman; a sonnet

At five she woke up
From her husband arm and snoring songful alarm

Silhouetted by the same lingerie
The ages one, the long and weary
The one she bought by her own money
Look at her neck, look at her wrist
Where gone all her jewelries

Harmony and aloud
At the kindergarten
Where she taught the kids a thing or two
For her fifty, she was meant to not be greedy
This is a violence of life
Keep giving; you must survive

She wears the face of a strong mother
Rich and not poor
For the entire price she bears to pay
She must be wealthy to say;
This life isn’t longer about me but the sons

At five I woke up
From my husband arm and snoring songful alarm

Unfamiliar, unpopular
That my husband pays for my lingerie
Also my neck and my wrist
Are there a lavaliere and an ornament
But what are these, I thought of the woman
Of all her sacrifices
And her endless struggle

For the things I’ve forgot
And for the things she got
She is just the Mademoiselle
Of an unhappy marriage

I must not yet understand,
But she could be true
That life isn’t longer about me but the sons.


Twenty-one; the young and promising age

"You are now a young woman"

That was what people would say when a girl, reaching her puberty and she can no longer act freely as what she can. Because, people will talk. People will judge. And there are names she needs to maintain so that the dignity is well protected and honoured. That's the idea. More of a reality, to be sure.

Girls must be well-behaved. Cannot go out too often. Should be back home before night. Must tell who she's going out with, by 'telling' it should be understood that it must be prepared with details; is there any boys, what their names are, is it a normal friends or what. At least that's how I've been heard from my girl friends that there are some girls actually grow up with curfews.

But neither on me. 
Ma and Bah have this hidden or should I call mysterious power that even though they didn't state any curfews, I just know I should not disgrace them. I must, like any other girls, be well-behaved. Because after all, I am a young woman. And young women must know how to take good care of herself. I must know somehow, there are limits; though it has never been mentioned by neither Bah nor Ma, I just know. Maybe it's just the common sense I've been living up with. 

Common sense. 
That's the thing. For one issue to be sensed 'common', it must be talked timely; yet until everyone gets the idea. In this case, it's the society or maybe it just our world we are living in that keep projecting the idea-- girls must behave well and classy. 

I have such a limitless freedom and a golden trust from both of my parents, that even when I was in highschool I was the one who has been putting limit on myself. I hid my gadgets because I aware of the need to get myself focused on my studies as big exam is coming. I made myself pulling off the simcard and put somewhere hideous as if I will going to have aftermath memory lost and get to be forgotten where did I put. It was a struggle back then, living in such freedom and trust my parents gave me. Trust me, there were more curfews I myself created like a boundary so that I must not crossed over. 

There are some of my friends who kept rebelling over the same issue but with their parents acting strict on them, exactly like how I'm being strict to myself. 

I've always thought that Bah and Ma must have been "of course, she knew already. she's grown up now." 
And me "of course bah and ma don't have the need to tell, they know i know" 

Sometimes somehow, I just hoped that Ma and Bah could be more strict like other parents do. But most of the times, I feel thankful enough as how I have been treated, because from there I got to feel threatened with challenge and struggle, eventually I'd learn by myself. Maybe that's the parents' love that I don't really understand how, that actually they know myself better. Even better than my youth self. 

I consider that as a 'skill' of parenthood that my parents nailed in order to grow me up. 

Same goes to hijab. To be honest, I can't recall any of younger days when Ma handed me tudung and asked me to wear it. I just know when seeing my neighbourhood friends who happened to be my childhood bestfriend who would wear tudung whenever we go out together to Pasar Malam. She didn't tell anything either, maybe that's just how her action really influenced myself. And somehow that younger me finally then found out more and more ironies in her wearing hijab, after Ma sending me for Kelas Mengaji and islamic school afterwards. Bah and Ma are just smart I guess, for sending me to islamic kindergarden, islamic school up until my highschool ends. From there, I can say, education really has answered all my questions that the younger me has then nothing to doubt with. 

I grew up receiving everything they taught me, without any objections. 

Now, to think wiser, I'm in the phase that growing up more older gets me into more and more questions that the younger me must had not look deeper into. Or maybe, she wasn't curious enough to ask. For that's why I read, so that my older me won't regret my younger me to not have the courage to seek answer in the form of knowledge and belief. Human's traits, to live is to believe in something; which I rather call "perspective"-- or anything you may prefer to call. 

I have names that I look up to, basically my women crush and men crush to be idolized. Like an inspiration. In this year, I went meeting them one by one; by courage. I managed to meet the young and good potential Syed Saadiq and attended his debate class. I met the intellectual Redza Minhat and managed to book a seat in his conference on women empowerment subject. I learnt alot from both. If I could claim that as an achievement in meeting people I adore, I would. 

I can drive a car now. 
I can go buying my things without asking any boys in the family to send me.
I can go attending any of talks or conferences without first worrying who I will burden to.
I can go eating alone, because that's no abnormality in that. 
I can go out with anyone, because I'm privileged with friends.

But in the same time, I can also cry just before I start again
I can complain over thing that goes wrong so that I feel relief
I can choose, anything to wear, anything to say, anything to do
All just because I have choices and reasons to stand
And one of life's priority is to maximise my options.  

Life is in fact, a combination of what I chose. 

here's me turning 21; praises to God for showering His continuous blessings throughout my years

This is 2017, I've turned 21.
And I'm moving forward.

Who will love you?
I will love myself.