What I talk about when I talk about; Alevels

It was two days ago that I was in the car with Sara (this housemate from college) and we were in this very serious mode on discussing about "How should we tell our kids when they decided to take alevels as their path of education?"

We got silent after that.

"Should we tell them it's too hard that they shouldn't take the risk"
"Should we advise them to take something more secure and easy like diploma maybe?"
"Should we just say no"

Well, to talk broadly about this education path I shall beware that I might be biased. Because it's limited to one perspective and everyone's perpective might be different from one another. One can just disagree with me, or just say that their education path is way better than mine. I don't know about that, but at least this is what I think.

Alevels to me, is tough, apparently. Because shall you know it's exam-based system. Just like spm, you just need to study and do past-years to ace the exam in the end (at least as what most of them who don't know, said). But one thing is that Alevels is different on how it examines our capability. I can't even follow the pattern somehow, but I would just say Alevels can be sooo tricky, until you lost control of their tricks. You can finish Past-years all you want but still you might be not ace the exam. It requires one perfect understanding, at least to what I understand. I'm afraid Alevels it's not for those who would prefer to memorize instead of understand.

And as we all know, (most) Malaysian students have this one habit to memorize things (God bless us with a good memory). Even the kiasu-nerdy one still can't get rid of this habit. Frankly speaking, you'll survive with flying colors in Spm if you have this habit but not until you find Alevels. Know that I'm not generalizing any of my statements here (it limits to some extent), it still at the end of the day depends wholely on one individual's capability. Every student has different capability and ability to understand, this we cannot hesitate. But I still think Alevels has given me something that is so valuable throughout the process (the wisdom of course) , it made me a very critical and evaluative in thinking. When I'm given a subject to be observed, I tend to think throughly and deeply; basically Alevels students are taught to be good at evaluating (it takes 2years tho to understand what evaluating is all about) That's one thing; the system.

Why exam-based system is something you should consider twice? here's why...

Unlike diploma, you have to focus only to one final thing; the exam day (sounds nice). Throughout the process you might miss the enjoyment of co-curriculum that then contributes to your cgpa. In alevels you have nothing else to help you if let say you didn't perform well on exam. Nothing like attendance, or co-curriculum, credit hours; nothing will help but what you've done on your papers (sounds scary. it is) That's the cons.

Last-minute-study students, Alevels might be for you or not ...

I have observed many of my friends, like what kind of students they are. Are they those ass we label as kiasu? Or those that do nothing at the early stage but will then study hard on last minutes? Well, both types can just survive well. Still, many of them didn't passed with flying colors. It depends, on how we perform on the exam day; and that's when 'Understanding skill' takes place. If you are given a question that you didn't expect, how will you manage that? Yes, that's when your understanding skill does its part.

Still, it's how the system works.

But sometimes there are another things from every part of your life could be the contributor to what you'll get at last. How you are with teachers. How you are with God. The connections of you with your friends. And of course, your aim, it is when getting the best result is nothing like an option anymore, but an obligation.

I understand now when someone say, that education is partly our choice. But until one point, you don't feel the same anymore. Considering the amount of money your scholar tank has invested on you, your parents' hopes, your neighbours' expectations, and even your dreams since kid. It is, indeed, a tough journey.

The cost; it's an international paper, guys. It consists of two parts; As Level + A2 Level = Alevels (nice equation, isn't it?) It is a simple process when you ace all the papers because the fund tank can pay it all for you. But it raises an issue when you didn't pass the required points so you need to repeat the particular paper (might be only subjected to scholar-funded student). You pay with MYR but accordingly to the current currency of the particular state (in this context; Uk). And we do not making jokes about british pounds because it's indeed so costly when the economy is at unstable motion (lol the term tho) You just need to close your eyes closely enough and forget about the money issue (for a moment), you just pay in the name of "it's my dream, I'm going to achieve it anyway" Haha, lol it's true there's no condition in order to achieve dreams, one can just get crazy for this (you will too)

Imagine this situation, you are at peak of 'fly or die' you don't want to screw any papers, you're entirely prohibited to make mistakes; all these pressures are then will make you want to cry and quit from this Alevels sucking phase. In the end, if you pass then you pass la. If not, I suggest you to cry for a day and please be hurry in looking for locals placement starting a day after lol (I really mean this)

But the thrill doesn't stop there for both either you get to fly or not. Don't ask me how the one who gets to fly manage that struggles? I'm none of them. Allah bless them, they'll manage in the end. But for those who are here (locals) , welcome to the world when you'll feel life is freakingly unfair haha. Indeed, it is. You would want to consider in going public university eventhough you have the privilege to continue undergraduate at private one. But it's not easy as it seems, there you'll find with that international qualification you got there (sounds amazing, it's not actually), you're no different as those who come from China mainland, Nigeria, Pakistani, and even Thailand. You'll be addressed as a foreign student as the way they treat you. You cannot pass through with full access anymore like how you got (not so long time ago) after spm. You need to pass through using another specific channel, and the chances of you'll get approved to admission is less than 50%. But it's okay, as for every hardship comes ease, let's move to private one shall we?

You are so lucky to be in Malaysia, because this country has sooooo many private universities to choose from. My advice; be wise in choosing. Look for details in everything you look for, either its their course, the subjects it offers, its accommodation and so much more.

Last but not least, after you've finished looking and yet has come to a definite decision; have Tawakkul.

For in the end, Allah knows best.

Oh, and to continue on how we (me and Sara) should tell the kids either Alevels is the right choice or not, we then decided to just be fair to them. Yes, kids like me not so long time ago has been so eager to try something challenging like Alevels. No one really told me either it's something I should go for or not, indeed, I was the who decided to take part in this challenge. Parents just agreed with my choice, and I will do the same like how my parents did to me. I'll support any of their decision without being biased in anything. The kids are pure soul, and they deserve to take part in any challenges they opt for. Let them choose , let them learn, bila sampai akhir nanti the least they will ask to themselves it's either 'berbaloi atau tidak?'

And for me, it's more than berbaloi; it's priceless.

Little things that mean a lot

a call from a very close friend of mine; is one of those little things that mean a lot. Even if I do have boyfriend(special person) one day, still a call from Sara might be even more meaningful than him (i do really mean this) I don't really have many friends I can count on, so to have those strong limited connections is one of the thing I want to really protect. It's cliche but true that little things really mean a lot. It's a smile one gives, a seat one offers, a simple 'hey' one greets; that make our life more meaningful. This morning I encountered one short note written by this one favourite motivator Dahlia Mogahed; I love how she stressed on the small gestures that really bring something big as, giving people a random happiness or as simple as crushing their souls.

Even in Islam, so far as I know, Islam do really care of feelings of another person especially when it gathers a group of people. As a matter of fact I did google this hadith (basically a guidance from our Propher Pbuh) that said;

 Abdullah ibn Massoud quotes the Prophet as saying: “Should there be three of you, then let not two of them be in conversation to the exclusion of the third, because this will hurt him.” (Related by Al-Bukahri and Muslim)

You'll find like a very broad discussion about this Hadith with few same meaning suppporting versions. Basically, do not whisper between two if you are joined by three. I'm amazed with how Islam cherish and provide us guidelines in protecting one feelings; this is exactly the same as what we call today "common sense" but in a very civilized manner.

There a lot more including for us to seek permission from the guests if we wish to leave, smile because it's one way of charity (sadaqah) , and when you talk to someone do turn your body fully towards them, do not take someone's seat when they get up temporarily, if you are trusted with a secret do keep it close and never think to reveal to even a soul, do not hold grudge for more than 3 days and do forgive, make peace between people and always talk good with everyone. If I were to list all those little things that need us to consider in doing it more better, then this entire blog would not be enough.

There are so much more.

But that's how I want precise here to my dear self and anyone that reads to always count over our little things that we do to people. Human being's heart are too fragile and sometimes it is not the big thing that could break it. It's the small little thing that counts.

the moment of solitude

*lights off* *studylamp turns on* *Payung Teduh playlist starts to shuffle* 

Ft. tuesdays with morrie 

Credit; D. 

A stranger from Manchester

Today and I'm still putting up with the same usual struggles; but the most hardest struggle would be (at least to me) is to stay being positive. How many people in this world yang stay strong and always think positive; no doubt that you guys own my respect. I wrote and read so many resources of how to stay being positive especially when the hard times hit you. But most of the times, I failed in being positive (lagi lagi now) . I'll start to think of how people will judge and leave me. And likewise the most frightened thing that have always haunted me was; to get judged by people around. I hate to get judged. The second one would be to get dumped and being alone. 

Why I came back to this medium, shall you know?

I rarely on twitter now, i mean I rarely tweet. I just scrolling through everyone's tweets and viewing their photos (instagram). I see those brightest smiles they show, and then I reflect to how messy my life is now. haha the truth is it's not that messy pun ( pardon the first week after result ) I'm getting stable now and I prefer to keep my life low profile and probably silent. I do wish someone from my highschool friends could hit the conversation randomly like how I always did to them. But yea likewise it won't be happening. Seriously, everyone is having their own life matter now and maybe is struggling like me as well. Deeply enough, I understand, lovelies. 

But it was yesterday when there was this senior from Manchester who has been waiting for my coming this sept randomly hit me with a 'hey'. I don't know how to explain the fact that I don't know her and the fact that I won't be coming to the university at anytime this year. On second thought, she's a stranger. And I do really know hard it is to have the courage to say hey to another stranger despite the only reason was 'to get to know each other'. Then to make her feel appreciated I said hello back and we had a short conversation yet to me so meaningful. I told her everything the reason of I could not make it. She understands so well, all the words she sent are just so lovable like I've known her for years.

At the end before we end the conversation I told her how I hope to meet her in a year from now. And she ended the conversation by giving me her favourite ayah from Quran; which is to me is so relatable to what I'm facing now. No doubt this girl owns such a noble heart; I pray so Allah will ease her life in Manchester. 

As a matter of fact, I'm going to a private uni somewhere in Putrajaya. I don't know what to expect, but to know Allah is there along my way, I don't have any fear now. To everyone who still there reading this, I don't know how to thank you enough for your concern and support. It just that, May Allah bless your life now and forever. 

Till then.

of the lowest point of my life

that I finally began to write again.

This morning I woke up with the same question as yesterday's morning (melancholic like that) ; "How could they call me a survivor when actually aku tak mampu terbangkan sayap sendiri?"

*(ft. Berdua Saja )*

How are you, people? Have you achieved your dreams? How far have you traveled? Are you happy? Have you got what you always wanted? If not, how did you survive? Is it normal to feel exhausted over the life you've been living in? Is it normal to cry over days that have passed? Is it normal to have overwhelming fear over the future?

And the list of questions inside my mind goes on and on. And everytime I walked pass the crowd of people, I can't stop thinking of how people live and then I began to reflect that am I really alone? Who else there in the crowd; that are in the same boat as mine? Do we have the same story?

sometimes ; I just hope that my life can be back to normal ;of when I know where to go and what to study.

Allah, why this is felt too burdening?

It has been three days now; from the day I knew that I am a broken dreamer. There's nothing left now but to move forward to the uncertain direction; I swear this is even harder than my past Statistics Alevel May/June Version; even harder than when I was in the state of not getting mrsm's offer. This is hard and the hardest of all the tests I've been encountered.

because after all; I failed with all my expectations.

I'm dying inside this concealed body I show to people.

 I woke up this morning and began to write this to anyone that cares; the simple message (reminder to myself) is to never lose the connection of tawakkul between you and God. That at least; the only thing I can believe in. The concept of which making me stop crying and to realize this is still a long way to go; for this failure is just a true beginning to something more bigger that not yet seen but will.

and as cliche as it can be 'Allah knows best' ; while you know not.

Alhamdulillah; yet all praised to Allah ; my true savior indeed. I pray that not just for me, but anyone who is in the same shoes to be grant the endless support and strength to move still and never give up. Have faith and do begin to have the endless tawakkul to the one and only ; Allah the Almighty.

Here is what I learnt; that tawakkul is a decision but it doesn't stop until you've got the result. Tawakkul, to what I understand, is the journey to the hikmah; to the final outcomes. It is the answer to your every prayer, but yet the answer is not what exactly the one you've always wanted. It is even miraculous than what you desire. It is a blessing of one true patience. And I, am looking forward to what this journey will bring me to. I won't lose hope. I will not, for God's sake.

To my support system, I need all of you more than anything now. So bear with me.

I might not be the true inspiration how some people expect me to be, even I couldn't satisfy my expectation to fly high. But one thing I know, I will raise up again; soon enough.

Soon enough, everyone.

from this lowest point of my life.