Starting over

"When a woman stands with her back to the wind and her face to the sun, raises her head, then exhales and finally lets go, that is a powerful moment for her. So many feelings run through her body at that time. She feels happy, yet saddened; excited, yet afraid about the chapter to come. But the one things she knows for sure is, she is finally free to find her own happiness." 

Little something

This post I'm about to write gonna be very long and it's important at the same time to be written here, you know as a future reference for once in awhile I'll read it back just to know who I was, and where I have been in past. Talking about mkic, Terengganu and alevel; they are all resemble hardships and big time struggles (as you all know). But despite all those sleepless nights and continuous consumption of caffeines to stay awake, I can say it just so worthwhile. The memories I got there are just priceless and those couldn't be found at anywhere anytime after this. Remembering how I was the first time stepping in to mkic; I was actually in the state of moving on and I can say it was a big stepping stone for me to heal every parts of me and eventually welcome the new faces and probably new chapters into my life. I'm blessed, indeed. 

It has been two years now, waking up to same faces everyday. All those 148 names and faces I need to digest along this 2years, I swear I might couldn't be moving on from uguys this sooner; my batchmates. Ten supportive housemates and a few of my part time gossipmates; they are all gonna be missed by me. A great classmates who never stop motivating through their acts and words; I just could not ask for better of them. All the makcik ds who are just like our mothers; I'm sure going to miss all the Terengganu's masakan. A motherly Umi, Tok Ma, Mok Teh, Che Dah, all the kakaks and ofc not to forget, Mek; they are all will be missed. 

If someone was to ask me what mkic is all about, I definitely will describe it as "a lil something" as in one phrase. This lil something isn't intended to show how lack mkic in many things in certain areas. However, it resembles the richness of a small place that give me so much little something up to a certain degree, it has occupied the capacity of happiness I expected and I'm blessed for its sufficiency. Indeed, I feel fulfilled. 

To be compared with another colleges or universities, Mkic is just nothing. But that's why I want to precise here that Mkic is incomparable to any colleges. Infact, it is versatile in its own way. I would hope the future intakes who are about to enter mkic could be so much open hearted to accept mkic for what it is. I learnt to count the blessing by not focusing on how small the buildings are or how small the community there but to be immersed in the strong bonding among all the members of this beautiful family of mkic. I swear, you'll understand this more  when you are a part of us. We are family, through thick and thin of two years. 

Eventhough I still haven't done with Alevels, officially, and I still have another one more to go this June, I felt that everything has now stopped. I mean, the period of time set for us has just stopped all the way that most of them (the besties) especially my great friends will not be there anymore as I come back for that last one paper. We might not know what future holds for us, but believe that in the end that'll sure be the best outcomes to each of us insyaAllah.

But I'm delighted here to address my biggest appreciation to each and every of them, for being a part of my 2years in Terengganu. Meet them, anyway; 

(How could we not talk about family when family is all we got. Lensed at Tok Ma's house; the last dinner of us; my 10 awesome housemates, Tok Ma ft Tok Abah and Mok Teh) 

I hope by the time I come to Terengganu (might be 3years from now) , the photo will still be there :') 

Jangan bertanya kenapa

Jika kau ingin menyembunyikan kesedihanmu, 
aku akan berada di dasar paling gelap lautan---
atau hidup, apa bedanya ? -- sebagai jutaan hewan kecil yang bernapas dan bernyanyi untukmu 
dengan cahaya. 

Jika kau ingin terbang tanpa angin tapi langit 
membuatmu takut, aku akan jadi kebebasan
dan sayap yang tidak pernah lelah mengepak

Jangan bertanya mengapa. Setiap orang memiliki satu jawaban yang menolak diberi pertanyaan. 

Kau tahu.

- Aan Mansyur

(Pure maths ft economics and accounting in a day, may Allah ease) 

Luck or unlucky sign within the self

[Fihi Ma Fihi : Discourse 4]

You say you are busy with a hundred "lofty works"; you excuse yourself saying that you are studying jurisprudence, philosophy, logic, astronomy, medicine and so on. That's all for yourself. You learn jurisprudence so that no one will steal a loaf of bread from you, or take your clothing, or kill you-- it's all for your own security. What you learn in astronomy, such as the phases of the heavenly spheres and their influences on the earth, whether it is weighty or light and indicates well being or danger, is all connected with your own situation. All these serve your self and your own purposes. If the stars appear lucky or unlucky it's still in relation to your own ascendant and your own intentions. 

If you consider the matter well, you will realize that the root of the whole business is your self, and all the rest are just branches. Now, if those things are subordinate to you have so many wondrous subdivisions, consider what "ascensions" and "descensions", lucky and unlucky signs, benefits and losses you, who are the root, must have that such a spirit possesses such as property, is capable of this, and that is suitable for such a task. 

There is another food for you besides all your sleeping and eating. 

As the Prophet said,  "I spend the night with my Lord, and He feeds me and give me to drink." *hadith

Short intermissions

Last time when I've done with the workloads and all to-do(s) I have been struggling with; all I think at that day was to have someone to talk to. Lately, I have always in the state of longing to have someone to talk to, possibly someone that is far away from mkic, someone who possibly had no idea in what I've been up to, just merely someone who could bear their time and ears for me. And not so long after that, I picked up the phone and  by seeing it's Sara that the notification was coming from; I know days are going to be better, at least at this little moment. 

As usual, we talked about so many things happened around us, about friends of us and what not. And we suddenly came to a topic of how could few couples that were so in love for each other in past and when they comes to a point of breaking up; after that they just don't take too long to have a new replacement for the spot that once ago was filled with love they think they own. I wondered; of how could that be so easily to love and easily to leave. People don't think it's necessary anymore to heal the broken part first just before they start a new again; my skepticism injects. 

How they value their love, how they value the person who once ago they claimed theirs? I know times are just simply numbers and that could just resembles nothing. But don't they learn, at least to not repeating the mistake they once did? 

You see, the depth of love might can't be measured through how many years they've been together. But there should always be a short pause between one process of breaking up and another process of starting a new again. For that, at least to me, you could use the little moments to appreciate the what's past and gone, and in a way you could learn slowly the lesson from past relationship so that if let say in the near future you get the chance to fall in love again; you know what to do, you know what you shouldn't do. The process of learning, that matters. 

Love; is a big thing. At least to me. The fear to be in; trigger me to never take chances and don't bother to be in one. However, that's also despite among all others is the greatest gift from God you might ever feel. 

The fear of being replaced is the worst feeling ever, you know that time you've lost the chance. You don't want to have any regret, in moving on. Stop looking back, take sometimes to learn, and then start again. 

And now I know, at least this time, to be less fear, moving on from past, taking up all the lesson learned with me, be open, start trusting and accepting again, and be among those who take chances. 

This is for Ma

This is for Ma;

I have always been so excited about growing up and eventually achieving all of my dreams turned into reality. But the more farther I go, the more I realize that Ma is growing old too. She's becoming less healthy compared to how she was when I still in primary school. She's now not as beautiful as how she was when I was still in kindergarten 14 years ago. Her memory; is not as strong as how she was 10 years ago. Ma tends to forget things, she takes longer time now to understand things. It saddens me most of the times, knowing Ma is not as the same as how she was years ago. Sometimes, I just want to stop times from flying so fast so that I can enjoy more time with Ma. I don't want to leave home anymore, for to be with Ma is always the safest place for me to be in the World despite any other beautiful places around. Ma's love is always the purest, even sometimes her unconditional love could spoil me for doing the same mistakes again and again but at the end of the day her forgiveness is always the savior for my life. 

I could still remember when I was at the lowest point of my life, it was her that comfort and still it was her that never judge. Even if I failed so many times in getting something I want, it's her to tell that I shouldn't giving up but keep moving still. 

My mom is not as perfect as anyone's mother, but through my eyes she is the most perfect. Her calmness resembles her pure heart. Her perfect imperfections are all that made her what she is; my Ma. Her Dua's are the reason for me to feel safe walking through this life. I could never imagined how my life would turn if there was not her along this path of my life. 

Mothers' Day is just another day to some people, and ever since I was a kid it was just another day. But not today; for today is an appreciation day for Ma. I have been away from home for two years, for a person who never been away from Ma for quite this long period of time; I just want to know for every single seconds and minutes I'm not by her side, my mind and heart are always with her. 

Ma, my strength, please be safe and stay healthy. May Allah grant you happiness and blessing throughout this life. May you always be protected under Allah's mercy. May Allah grant you Jannah as the reward for raising me up since I was still a little baby up to now when I have reached 20. I can't repay any of your kindness to all us; your children but our Dua's are always for you. 

( I know the chances for Ma to read my blog could be just impossible but there'll be a day I believe that she will read every piece of my words through my treats and actions InsyaAllah )

To Farah; the girl of your dream

This is; a birthday shoutout to @farahnabilah (the one in pink shirt) 

For anyone who've been wondering what do I do every night appearing 'online' in whatsapp during this study week, please know that she is the definite reason of me not on studying! Well, I still need to admit that she brings the laughter I've been longing to for quite sometimes. Struggling myself through this tough times, having her as my part time gossipmate I guess I need to recognize her as my angel from heaven. Indeed, she is! 

The one who will take away every pressures I had, the one who I believe will never reject my 'hey' especially on the late of night, the one who being so nice yet humble to me, the one who appreciates my silly quotes on yellow sticknote while in school times, the one who always make me feel good about being single, the one who is loved by almost everyone, the one who I will refer to when it comes to makeup and girls thingy, the one who I never ashamed to tell that I got crush on someone, the one who will never say no to almost every crazy things I'd like to do, the one who dare to kidnap me for my birthday despite workloads she might having, the one who is, yet, so sweet and beautiful, HAPPY 20th of BIRTHDAY. This is for many years to come, I wish you a good health and happiness ahead. 

Dear Farah, 

I know life is not easy for any of us, I just want you to know that Allah is with you, so keep praying to Him. You are going to be a great lady with a great life awaits. Remember, to always be yourself, because that's what matter more than anything else. Believe in your potential, believe that you're unique in your own way, so stay classy and fabulous. Hahahahahah and sorry for giving you such a silly info about that S disease, I swear I'm so grateful I didn't take medic! 

Last but not least, I deeply hope that you're going to end up with that F guy insyaAllah. And don't forget to invite me. I'm ready for rewang, just for you!! 

May Allah bless you, always.