Hal orang yang bermurah hati

Hal orang yang bermurah hati adalah apabila buku kegemaran telah dan sudah diberi orang
Yang tinggal hanya sekotak koleksi buku terbuang yang tak pernah mahu di jamah dan di-terjemah
Lalu, mana mahu dicari satu lagi.

Hal orang yang bermurah hati itu tegang
Bila mencintai tapi harus terus dan selalu memberi
Sampai saat habis dirinya di-bagi

Untuk orang-orang yang tak mudah tahu menghargai

Hal orang yang bermurah hati memang pantas dikasihani

Kerana salah mereka cuma menjadi terlalu mudah dalam segala hal

Baik dalam hal memberi

Malah hal mencintai

Satu-satunya alasan agar terus dilihat baik

--dan baik
Sampaikan alasan disisih orang juga

 hanya kerana--"kau terlalu baik" 

Behind the perfect shaylaa and her long abaya

Behind the perfect shaylaa and her long abaya, was a soul that has always wanted to be nearer to her religion and God. Who was a lifetime runner towards her Creator.
Nothing could define her soul, nor her appearence, nor the way she talks.
Because, despite her perfect shaylaa and her long abaya; 

She was never been; One thing. Like so. 

that day i started running

i gained weights recently, purposely I guess. But I didn't care much about how some kg(s) could define me. Despite, I was looking for something new that would, in some ways, keeping me busy.

Remember when the old friend of mine bought me a book by Murakami on ; "What I talk about when I talk about running"

Oh yea, the fun of running does really amaze me; eternally. Just exactly like how Murakami has described in the book. The tiredness, the amazement, the mindless thinking and all; I agreed that all were just real.

While running, it was like; I was running from everything. From all that has been in my mind, from those souls that keep haunting me through days and months until one moment when it was like I was really flying, through the movement of air that was against me.

I was exaggerating, but some were truth, really. 


On the first night, (yes i was running at night) around 10pm, it was raining lightly that day. there were some people who were also running by that time. we took our spot starting exactly from istana kehakiman and onwards. One thing about running that kept me awake while moving was that; I passed everything around me. 

You know when you are the only one that moving and everything around has been static. It was undescribable thinking running in my mind; like I was flying but actually not.

And then when I stopped, I would breathe heavily like a definite satisfaction kind of breathing. 

I wasnt running like jogging, I literally running as you can see. That's the fun, I guess. 

So far, it has been 4times altogether, but I dreamt of running more often. More often until I forget what it feels like walking. 

Like Forest Gump. 

I'm joking, technically. 

Till then. 

A beautiful paradox

It was raining outside, like cats and dogs. Too cold, she decided to brew a hot cup of tea; the plain one with two small spoons of a natural sugar added. This night isn't about poetry or sad song anymore. She listened to live concert instead. With hard core sounds of drums and loud musical instrument at the background of the MV. Life sure was fascinating to her, because it wasn't all about lullabies and slow melody songs. It was indeed a combination of so many genres for all kinds of souls ever there were. She just wanted to be loud and fast this time; just like the song she hears. You see, this is what she likes most about life. Of its ever changing season, and the continuous movement of it.

And problems wouldn't stay forever, as time passess by, the problem fades away.

Of so many people who asked her to "move on" as soon as possible; she then decided to digress. It's not easy; she said. 

It's not easy to forgive then forget. It's not easy to adore the beautifulness of someone and then deny them with hatred and anger. It's not easy to dream about something you think you could have or maybe you already had it in the dream, and then reality just punch your face departing you from dreaming some more. It's not easy. 

There would be a time when even your pessimistic side disappears and asking you to remember those souls who have hurt you. And then your nice being come out justifying some reasons for you to really lower down your pride and let go everything like nothing have happened. They asked you to stop being so sensitive just accept that some people actually did make mistake. If that time ever come, don't look back. 

Don't look back.

Just don't. 

For him who left; she missed you. So much that she was dying.
But she didn't want you back.

She has accepted this beautiful paradox as a part of her growing up wiser and better.

growing up (by twenty)

Sunny yet satisfying. This day reminds me of how calm it was to be in Terengganu; the place where I know I'm not alone for there's always friends to accompany through emotions. A process of me growing up has always been about me and my endless wild thinking. I am indeed, a lady with worries and insecurities; of will I be fine and am I doing just fine?

By twenty I learnt that;

After so many times I mentioned this, let me do this one more time;

Alevels and the tough reality of I didn't get to achieve my dream; were you can say as my worst nightmare and sucks reality I need to move on from before 2016 ends. It is, indeed painful. The hardest was the first week when I couldn't woke up from sleep without a teary eyes and tiring heart. I was tired back then. I hated myself for thinking I didn't give my best enough. I downgraded myself for failing so many souls that believed and had faith in me. I cursed myself for holding too much hopes on dreams. And dreaming , at that moment, to me, was too painful I just want to sleep without dreaming and getting haunted by my continuous thinking. 

However, despite of all the storms and rains throughout my tough times as a very young learning teenager, there'd always things I hope I could tell my kids that I was indeed, in past, a mistake-doer. For by bruises, tears, and blood; I learnt. 

By twenty I learnt that;

Poetry and Coffee are actually my soul. First introduced to Lang, I know this is just the one. Every random page brought me to different horizon and different feelings to have. Rumi, the islamic poet who taught me to love God more deeper through writings and love letters ; Quran and Hadith as the core sources. Learning some of Quran ayah being interpreted to poems; that's just overloads ecstasy to my soul. Till I found Aan, the indonesian guy who taught me to love without accounting further consequences, who also taught me to appreciate a moment of solitude; the only moment I can know myself deeper. Not to mention, how Murakami brought up such a new perspective in life to me. Poetry; indeed, something that lives inside me. 

The idea ; is to do what you love with love. It can be anything. Like horse riding, playing guitar, singing or just anything that you do will then give you happiness. You need to find what you like and love, put your passion in it, for that it makes you what you are. Life shouldn't be a dull and tiring journey, even though it literally is. The best thing I learnt about living is that; you are the one with all the courage and passion you have, to define you, your life and what you are as yourself. No one could ever say no to things you like and love. Like how Nike put it together; "Just Do It".

(Me meeting Aan on KL Literature Festival yesterday)
#dreamsdocometrue ; it was a day before me turning 20. Such a gift, indeed. 

The heavy consumption of coffees, on the other hand, are like, 
the reason to stay breathe out; 
the reason to live on.
Some view coffee as a pill to stay awake, some use it for escapism from sadness, some drink it because of love; for whatever it means to someone, I'm grateful to have this magical drink exists. 

By twenty I learnt that;

I am happy. 
I learnt that I am actually happy, with every little things I have; I just sufficient like this.

By twenty I learnt that;

The number of guys I met couldn't define myself as a person, but the lesson I got; is. Guys the most frightening monsters I sometimes be afraid of; are just like books. Every soul I meet is a book, to be discovered and indeed, they might offer lessons to learn. My advice, don't be scared to meet a wrong person. I mean that's how you'll become wiser while eventually discover what kind of guy you really want. 

Build your walls (thing i tell myself) Just like how Rome wasn't built in a day, that also reflects your walls and pride. It can be earned only when you get yourself bruised and bleed like hell by people who treat you like shit only then you learn, to have a long list of boxes to be ticked on before welcoming someone new to your life; that is indeed holding possibility to be your one.

By twenty I learnt that; 

It's all or nothing. That I don't deserved to be fooled by those unlogical reasons to not being appreciated and respected. I learnt to be choosy, when it comes to friends and possibly everything. You girl, deserve to be heard, appreciated, cherished and yet respected by anyone. If one couldn't do that to you, it's either they are too foolish or they never meant to be in your life in the first place. 

By twenty I learnt that;

Something are just meant for temporary. Like dreams, friends, or lover, maybe and only maybe they aren't for us; that we shouldn't have too much worries of thinking what the hell we did wrong. And people that come in to your life is like a gift from God to you. You are special that some people might be just taken away from your for reason. And as the Giver (God) , He could remove away anyone as He wills it. For that, you shall accept happily. 

Commit mistake, and learn. 
That's when I know not every lesson comes in the book. You shall ask. You shall question everything; just all this and that. And get something from it; you might figure out the bonus to earn. Possibly a lesson to learn.

By twenty I learnt that;

This dark night will pass. 
This painful reality of me not achieving my ultimate dreams will pass. I am, going with the flow; that it shouldn't mean that I am giving up my self-effort but it rather about me accepting this reality. It is, indeed the time of me recognizing when it is time for action and when it is time to sit it out. I will just do my own remedy, and let this dark night pass.

One thing that is certain about life is that; its ever changing nature. It is indeed, a cycle. "After a lavish summer come the trying times of winter; then the spring follows."

This entry shall be longer, realizing the fact that numerous lessons I have gathered through these past 20 years of living.

I am no one, not a well-known writer and not even someone your neighbour might know about. I couldn't write so perfect you'd find it's flawless. I am no perfect indeed, I commit mistake too much, I am clumsy most of the times, I break so many hearts by being who I am. For that, I am truly sorry if you are one of those. I am not always emotionally-stable, I get mad over simple thing, I cry everytime I got hurt, I laugh too much I didn't realized when did I actually get sad.  I am dull with just looking to my outfits when black would always be in carts everytime checking out from shopping, I have very selective taste in music; I am indeed a boring person. 

For this special day of mine, I sat on, trying to figure out all these facts that you and your neighbour might actually not know. Here are the 12 of so much randomnesses of myself; 

#1 I always think I have such a quite long name compared to the other siblings. And "Auni" is such a complicated name. I could still remember when my Indian teacher call my name as "Ayuni" for the rest of school year just because she didn't know how to pronounce it right. I don't like being called with the second name (Najihah) just because the meaning of the name to me is too perfect; that I think I don't suit it best. By the way, Najihah can be translated as "success" and I don't think I have succeed in life. Just yet. Just so. 

#2 When I was a kid, my ambition was to be a scientist just like the Einstein. Then I changed my mind to be a policewoman when I was ten. Just because everyone wanted to be doctor then I changed my mind AGAIN to be like what my friends aimed to be; a doctor. But Biology is hard to catch up while I was sixteen so I just wanted to be an accountant. Well. Until today, I don't know what I am going to do in future. This time, I just want to be the best. Haha.

#3 I like cats. I like everything with fur, and for that I can't tolerate with fur-less animal such as Lizard coz you know yucks! But Bah won't allow us adopting a pet in house but that's okay. I like goats. Coz Bah once ago has adopting more than hundreds of goats and I had an experience in taking care of baby goats. 

#4 My lifetime secret idol is my eldest brother. Not everyone in the family has noticed that I always want to achieve exactly what my brother has achieved. Like, I wanted to study abroad because he studied abroad. I have a big passion in books just because he is a big fan of books and knowledges. I listen to Death Cab of Cutie because it was him who introduced the band to me. 

(Nobody knows that I secretly cried a week after he got married just because I got to realized I have lost my favourite ears and shoulder to cry on)

#5 I love all my siblings so much, even the youngest one. I just think I shouldn't tell them. 

#6 I love Bah and Ma so fairly equal that I think they are the biggest blessings in my life. 

#7 I have always wanted to go to Beijing instead of UK; just because of its culture and traditions.

#8 I don't know how to get crush on someone. The least thing I know about having affection to the opposite gender is by falling in love. And the first guy I liked was this someone when I was still a standard six student in primary school. My first guy I dated was in the final year of highschool. I was a Summer to an unfortunate Tom for about three years along that. Maybe, I shall just stop talking about monkey-nonsense-love-story by now. 

#9 I do think, beyond my personality that is sometimes said to be good and nice girl, I pranked people a lot that I DID think there's very evil personality lies in me. I pranked a guy who I just know with oreo filled with toothpaste; for that I got ignored by him for 2 semesters in college. It included how I pranked a guy from uni by concealing the fact that his wallet is with me for more than 24 hours. There were sooooo much more, u just couldn't imagine I could be that evil.

#10 I bought books A LOT. just because i love the scent of book pages. I have like one big box full of books, that I don't have time to read. Sometimes, I just thought that there should be a perfume with a book scent; I would definitely going to buy dozen of it.

#11 I started writing this blog since I was very young while highschool. The very first name of this blog was "thekucingbelang" 

#12 I hope no one would read my writing or if ever did,uguys are hoped to never mentioned to me because I got facepalm everytime. It must be the worst writing ever written and read by people. 

#13 I believe in horoscope. Not literally, but I find horoscope to be a good start to know someone without them telling. I am scorpio and I love all the scorpions I meet. I just think we (who is scorpion) are fated to be a lifetime team. Know that, scorpio is the most powerful zodiac among all. 

#14 I have always wished to have more people wishing me birthday with long letter or even essay like how I did to some of my favourite people. I like reading thoughts of people about me. Sometimes, appreciation essay ,to me, is more meaningful than whatever things one could give me as gift. 

#15 I think I shall just stop writing facts about me; it's getting to be troublesome. 

Through everything around me, through bruises and bloods; I learn. 
And this is it. 

I am Auni, 
I am twenty years old.

It's 2016 and I'm indeed up for even more lessons and knowledges of life,
Thus I am moving forward.

Volunteering @ HWUM

My first volunteering. It was such a well spent day. Tiring but, satisfying I must say.

One thing about attending a private university is that; joining a club or society is never a compulsory. So here comes the tough time to decide either to go for one or not. Joining for one might be quite troublesome as you are restricted for commitment like attending weekly meeting and what not. While on the other hand, if I don't go for one I would always have this thought of what is the motive of attending university if you still want to be prisoned in your own pace without mixing around with others? 

I mean, here comes the exciting part when you can connect with more people and enlarge your horizon.

So let's be wise in choosing. I rather not joining any clubs but guess what, I dare to choose volunteering in any activites that any clubs offer. Dude, i got free hands here come give me works! 

Moving on;

The plan was to build a mini library in this little yet nice kampung of orang asli not so far away from the university, located in Dengkil. 

In promoting the goodness and benefit of reading to those bright children; was never an easy task especially when the place that needed to be fixed was actually an abandoned house. Imagine the transformation we ought to do from a very long times ago abandoned house to a kind of place that suitable enough for those children to be in the world of knowledge. But again, that's the point of us being there; to literally clean up everything and putting in the whole new image of decent place so that they can read and learn new things. 

Upon our arrival, we were welcomed with those brightest smiles of those children that were willing to help us building the library. Those smiles, to me, are so familiar. They remind me of Jiji, Anis and Jimmy ; those bright kids from Pasir Raja in Terengganu a year before. Lel I miss Terengganu times. 

Nothing much about the cleaning part except the part when we found a dead snake in the store in the house. Scary much, even scarier than the part when there were 2 big rats coming out from a stake of the abandoned stor in this one section of the house. 

That was the first phase of everything, well it is to be continued from time to time. And you can't be suprised because this is the first and the last. 

Coz you know, tiring lah! 


It's all started with the day we first talked to each other; we were in the same group back then while in Form one (you were thirteen, and me too) , we both were so innocent that we thought life is all about being free from upsr oh yes that time was good. Our group was "gajah" ; I didn't know you, but of course you were cute since thirteen but your cuteness has always made me irritating but you were cute but yeah. You still; are, babe.

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, then the end of highschool times.

We both were flying through times, together as the young learner of life. We knew nothing that day; but to achieve all the goals we ourselves created; 9A's, 11A's you name it all for every exam we take; just every score that resembles flying colours we both were dying to grab. We knew nothing that day; but to be the best among everyone. We knew nothing that day; but to always make our parents proud. I guess we both too young to know things; that life is more than just that. More than about achieving goals inside our minds. More than our idea of grabbing every A's and getting full marks in exam. That life isn't a merely constant growing of upper and higher. Life is more to it. It is, in fact, the victory after being drowned by hardships and struggles life has offer. Life , however, is about growing ourselves up internally despites every failures we gone through. Life is about keeping the movement and further decision to keep stepping forward; after so many thoughts of giving up and putting down the shield out of our hands. Life is more than what we thought we knew, Sarah.

You know what, I have always thought of how my life could be a lot more better and exciting if you were there along it. But there's always a good reason for us to be separated into two different journey that even so I still have you to be my ears and shoulder whenever my hard times hit. Our conversation through phone for HOURS would still be my favourite thing to do. 

Even with the fact that you are with your dreams, while me with mine; we know we are going to still be the best, like how we used to since ever. Even though we both have no idea how struggle we put everyday in each other's life, note that you are always in my prayers and my mind. We both believe in each other's capability; and to look over each other even from far. Life goes on; i swear I've always in thought to be in the moment when we still learning the same books and doing the same homeworks. I miss everything we do together, Sarah. 

However, nothing to regret. As we both are still in the same field of career; that there would be no problem to understand of your language of saying that assets minus liabilities would always be equal to capital. We could still be good together with our debit and credit. Giving our heads such a massive pain trying to adjust accruals and prepayments; we'll do just fine. And thinking that we might want to quit everything just because we couldn't get "balance". Despite all the SOCIs and SOFPs we are going to go through, I would still love you.   No matter what and how, we can still understand each other ; we know ourselves better don't we? You, in fact, are my favourite asset and nothing else to be compared of how valuable you are to me. And that value; could be never depreciated I can assure. 

I know now we are so far away from each other, not through places but emotions. That I hope you could bear in mind, that I have always got your back and you are reserved for some spots in my heart and my life, I am glad you are a part of my little journey of life.

This is for every of your struggles and those sleepless nights you went through; I wanted you to know that you deserve everything you have now. You already done your best; and we all are so proud with you. You always know what to do, what to read, what to study, what to achieve; that's just you. For every problems you had, you settled it one by one with care, and you were just so particular with answering questions; that's just you and still are. Being careless just isn't you. You might not good with theories and facts; but who cares now you already ace it gal! You already own the CAT!  There's nothing you cannot do, when you being you. Girl, you are amazing with all the achievements you got! 

Congratulations on graduating 🎓

To more things to achieve in ACCA and life; all the best with everything you do and decide. Allah bless you, for the rest of your life being the amazing Sarahrahidi 💎

You are really; a diamond ✨

Of this year that we turn 20; I wish you a great life ahead. To me, you are still the same petite girl I first saw while in form one; but deep inside your internal energy and spirit I know you've grown up well! Happy birthday! 💋


Di depan pintu universiti, adalah kita. Yang masih seorang pejuang dalam medan tempur kita-kita. 

Hari-hari yang berlalu, seolah terbang turut ikut mimpi lepas

Semacam angin yang mengogah bayang tiap kali kita lintas
Dan semua benda ikut saja kemana kita bawa
Dan aku, kau, dan setiap yang berdiri sedang bingung apakah ini yang paling pantas setelah segalanya kita beri

kita semua gersang.


11th of October, 2016; Cyberjaya. 

Hiking 2.0

My second attempt for this hill; yet a better one in everything.


Dan ketika matahari hampir mahu terbenamkan dirinya 
Aku masih sendiri 
Termenung jauh seolah mencari erti 
Untuk bernafas satu purnama lagi
Atau terus lama-- apa ertinya

Kau bisa berhenti berlari-lari 

Atau terus mati padam dalam mimpi kau sendiri
Tapi kau masih mahu bernafas untuk seribu alasan 
Alangkah kuat! Alangkah utuh!
Hidup akan terus menjadi musuh, bercanda dalam gimiknya tersendiri
Sekurangnya kau tahu hari ini akan pergi, dan hari esok bakal menjelma dalam epik yang kau sentiasa mahu hapus momento buruk dan terus hidup dalam asingnya kedamaian
Dan lapangnya kebahagiaan.

Menjelang ghurub mentari sore ini-- dan aku sudah hampir mahu tenggelam.

AY, 9 Oktober 2016, 7.08pm, Cyberjaya. 

puisi jamban

Untuk si picisan semunafik engkau, 

Aku adalah antara wajah-wajah yang takkan pernah kau lupa. Wajah yang kau aniaya berminggu-minggu. Takkan ada dimana-mana cuma pada setiap sudut yang pernah kau lewati saat wujudnya 'kita'. Kau takkan cuba mengingat aku. Tapi pengecualian adalah pada hari hari malang kau; pada hari kau ditipu, pada hari kau dikhianati dan juga pada hari Tuhan tak menyebelahi sisi kau lagi. 

Dan kenangan untuk aku adalah satu-satunya masa silam yang tersisa. 

Akhirnya kau pergi. 

(Ft flatlay lapuk saat digesa Dr. Ng untuk coursework 'commercial law' yang berdue-date 17/10/16)

back to basic

My first azan heard in Cyberjaya was at that night. The calming and soothing one; of the one I could only get when I become movable to the spot. We decided to be nearer that night, while preparing our ears widely open to soothe our long time longing for one. As a trio of the night, we took a quick driving after maghrib. It was "khamis malam jumaat" just so we expected for at least a short tazkirah and bacaan yaasin be held there. Allah bless, expectations exceeded, they had bacaan yaasin. Syukr we could be among them that night. We came in.

Upon our late arrival we heard the mic has turned on, just so we know the bacaan will be started in minutes time. We took a place, between those blessed strangers we sat in a line; the three of us. It was so familiar; the moment, the feel of soft carpet once you stepped on, the perfect sound from probably a new microphone and the surrounding of souls that are covered modestly, those that are fully-prepared to communicate with God thru prayers. It was so positive and familiar just like the one I had in highschool times, just as the one I've been missing most of the times now while  I was in mkic. 

The ustaz, then started the reading calmly. It was a slow reading heard but soothing. Just a perfect bacaan for us the so ordinary us in reciting Quran's ayah.

Settled it with one long reading of Dua'; we looked around. I looked around, as if I was finding someone I know, but none. Of course there'd be no one, this isn't my place either as I'm not from here. 

A humble azan then sounded out loud eventually occupied the whole masjid. Everyone sat still. Some of them rushed to renew wudhu. While few kids were still running around like they thought the hall was some sorts of a playground. They made noise; an ignorant and innocent one.

We sat still, enjoying every sound the bilal whispered through the microphone. It was a magical sound heard. This one  to me was so natural, not from the radio, or a laptop or the one that was recorded. This time it was the original one, a man-made sound originally from the mouth of one calling people to get nearer to God. I was drowned again. This time is different as I got drowned in positiveness, I got drowned to the voice and I just hope it could last longer. Longer than usual until my heart could achieve the full capacity of craveness I've been hold all this while.

O Allah. Finally. 

"Maybe I've got to be sufficiently broken by life's many broken promises just to be sufficiently compelled to seek out God's unbreakable promises"

The night hasn't just ended like that; when we were about to make our way out to satisfy our dinner that night some noises from nowhere caught our attention. It was from that crowded spot at one corner of masjid. 

We turned around, the noise was from that crowded spot full with foods. We were blessed with nasi lemak ayam berempah; told by the locals that night's menu of feast was a special one compared to any other night. Allah bless. Sort of our langkah kanan. 

Similarly to any masjid, it was the typical feast served to those who attend bacaan yaasin. We went there, mixing around the locals there. We talked between us while enjoying our free foods (such a big blessing in one night)

Allah bless. We expected of just one small thing, just a voice of azan. Allah gave more. More than just a full and satisfied stomach. 

Deep inside, i cried a little. Of how far I've drowned away from the initial lane. I'm just going to be back to the basic. 

To the most basic one; the lane of turning to the one and only ; الله

i just want to write something

After awhile of not going back to home; it's a relief to get this chance to see the parents' face, their smile and hold their hands. Truly those are the blessing you can't have when you are so far away from your usual zone; the home sweet home zone. Yea of course, I'd be missing those moment I've been longing to have; a visit to Old Trafford, a picture infront of Manchester's uni entrance, an exciting shopping experience at Primark, a long fun adventure travelling trip around UK while wearing a decent jacket and a pair of boots I bought from h&m's homeland and not to forget, a bite of hot waffle with Vanilla ice cream as the topping. I would be missing those moments but not the blessings I already have in here; when Ma and Bah are still one call away. I still in a way of what God has yet told me to be in; I belong to this way I guess (for now). InsyaAllah; for more years to come there are alot more to experience; with no regrets.

This time is not as usual one; not with macbook or ipad. No nothing so technologically advanced. but with the old second-hand desktop we bought from a nearby computer store. But the feeling this time is so intense; in a positive way. This one keyboard that produces a very load sound for every movement of fingers on board; soooo oldskool i kinda love this time.

Moving on to new life:

I'm blessed with a warm friendship of collegemates of Mkic but in the new environment of the new uni (HW as what I will call it from now on) ; prolly speaking it's not too different from the one I supposedly to have in the UK. The very cool lecturers; who are not just so humble and caring but very helpful in explaining things. Basically, nothing that's really hard to catch except the part when I long for azan and tazkirah between maghrib and isyak; those things that I can get if only I am fully be willing to go for one not so far away from our residence. Life is still like this; a journey that always brings out the best of me everytime. So many to feel, I just hope I could be strong enough to keep going.

I rarely read now; I procrastinate a lot that the list of books-to-read has been so out of track and I lost count to start again. I just have so many free time that I spent in learning how to cook and how to be positive. Seriously there was this one night I spent on internet by just reading articles of why this and that, and how to this and that. Even in reality the Dr. Ng's law assignment is in a due list and I haven't start anything just yet, not to include every tutorial's homework that need to be finished a night before and I still let myself myself doing what I'm best at; procrastinating. (FML)

On the other hand, I consume a lot of caffeines now; specifically on coffee. Until there was this one day when my male friend asked me why I keep ordering coffee everytime we hang out; it's obvious i bet. But there'll be always reasons for our every cup of coffee don't you think?

The pain one wants to get rid away
The happiness one is longing to have
The pleasure one cup of coffee could offer
Sometimes, those are a part of healing, a part of concealing, and prolly a pill to keep oneself breathing
We all have reasons for every cup of coffee we decided to have.

so this is for "I just want to write something", till then.

To the most amazing AliAli

I will always be looking over you. 

Hi babe, I won't be sorry to be the last one to wish for also I won't be mad to be the last one you go for help; for time is never a measure to our true friendship (at least that's how i see) Ever since we first met on the very first day of class in mkic, I know clearly that you're that smart ass who would shine the brightest among us; and indeed you are. But like how everyone says; everything happens for a reason. And our presence into each other's life is to help without expecting a benefit. I'm glad our stars aligned, Ali ✨

You are a good person, through my eyes. You always know how to comfort, you always know how to actually ask me when the only answer I could give that time is "I'm fine" even most of the time I'm not, you are definitely my favorite person I would go to when all I need is ears to listen and a shoulder to cry on; I'm special partly because of you. 

Being a friend to you is always an easy task but not when I'm also a very well-behaved student of yours; know that my biggest regret of you leaving is I'm losing my super talented math teacher. I do really hope I can find someone good enough like you; someone who could scold me whenever my lazy day hits. Someone who would be so patient answering my silly question on integration. Indeed, I'm in a big loss in this. 

Moving on to reality, you're leaving. 

And I'm so glad you did. Haha. 

Please, go to Manchester and get as much friends as you could. Be friends with those souls I supposed to meet; I can assure you'll have the best new cliques there (no doubt) eventhough they are not as good as me but yknow, you'll survive ✨ (considering how wise you are as a person)  😏

Ilaila sayang, 
You're going so far from all of us, from your support system ; your mama and ayah, kakak and the cheeky iman. You're going to face a very new journey far from us, we can't be there all the time (physically and emotionally) but please remember that, our Dua' are with you. My prayers are with you, babe. Whenever you think you're losing the track that you couldn't cope anymore, please know that He is there to help. Don't lose connection with Him, find Him until you're in balance back. 

Today could be just another day for me until I met you, and 12th of September is definitely a date to remember for the rest of my life (Allah bless me with a gooooood memory) so without further delay, I'm wishing you a greatly 20th of Birthday, Ilaila Ahmad Farid! 👙 

Stay gold, and keep that classy attitude in you. I love you so much. And just because we're far away from each other it does not mean I'm not with you. I'll always be there looking over you, keeping you safe through my Dua. 

صل كثيرًا. صل بقلب كامل. صل، كي لا تواجه هذا العالم القاسي بقلب منهك. 
Pray a lot. Pray with all your heart. Pray, so you don't face this cruel world with an exhausted heart. 

Love always and forever, 

What I talk about when I talk about; Alevels

It was two days ago that I was in the car with Sara (this housemate from college) and we were in this very serious mode on discussing about "How should we tell our kids when they decided to take alevels as their path of education?"

We got silent after that.

"Should we tell them it's too hard that they shouldn't take the risk"
"Should we advise them to take something more secure and easy like diploma maybe?"
"Should we just say no"

Well, to talk broadly about this education path I shall beware that I might be biased. Because it's limited to one perspective and everyone's perpective might be different from one another. One can just disagree with me, or just say that their education path is way better than mine. I don't know about that, but at least this is what I think.

Alevels to me, is tough, apparently. Because shall you know it's exam-based system. Just like spm, you just need to study and do past-years to ace the exam in the end (at least as what most of them who don't know, said). But one thing is that Alevels is different on how it examines our capability. I can't even follow the pattern somehow, but I would just say Alevels can be sooo tricky, until you lost control of their tricks. You can finish Past-years all you want but still you might be not ace the exam. It requires one perfect understanding, at least to what I understand. I'm afraid Alevels it's not for those who would prefer to memorize instead of understand.

And as we all know, (most) Malaysian students have this one habit to memorize things (God bless us with a good memory). Even the kiasu-nerdy one still can't get rid of this habit. Frankly speaking, you'll survive with flying colors in Spm if you have this habit but not until you find Alevels. Know that I'm not generalizing any of my statements here (it limits to some extent), it still at the end of the day depends wholely on one individual's capability. Every student has different capability and ability to understand, this we cannot hesitate. But I still think Alevels has given me something that is so valuable throughout the process (the wisdom of course) , it made me a very critical and evaluative in thinking. When I'm given a subject to be observed, I tend to think throughly and deeply; basically Alevels students are taught to be good at evaluating (it takes 2years tho to understand what evaluating is all about) That's one thing; the system.

Why exam-based system is something you should consider twice? here's why...

Unlike diploma, you have to focus only to one final thing; the exam day (sounds nice). Throughout the process you might miss the enjoyment of co-curriculum that then contributes to your cgpa. In alevels you have nothing else to help you if let say you didn't perform well on exam. Nothing like attendance, or co-curriculum, credit hours; nothing will help but what you've done on your papers (sounds scary. it is) That's the cons.

Last-minute-study students, Alevels might be for you or not ...

I have observed many of my friends, like what kind of students they are. Are they those ass we label as kiasu? Or those that do nothing at the early stage but will then study hard on last minutes? Well, both types can just survive well. Still, many of them didn't passed with flying colors. It depends, on how we perform on the exam day; and that's when 'Understanding skill' takes place. If you are given a question that you didn't expect, how will you manage that? Yes, that's when your understanding skill does its part.

Still, it's how the system works.

But sometimes there are another things from every part of your life could be the contributor to what you'll get at last. How you are with teachers. How you are with God. The connections of you with your friends. And of course, your aim, it is when getting the best result is nothing like an option anymore, but an obligation.

I understand now when someone say, that education is partly our choice. But until one point, you don't feel the same anymore. Considering the amount of money your scholar tank has invested on you, your parents' hopes, your neighbours' expectations, and even your dreams since kid. It is, indeed, a tough journey.

The cost; it's an international paper, guys. It consists of two parts; As Level + A2 Level = Alevels (nice equation, isn't it?) It is a simple process when you ace all the papers because the fund tank can pay it all for you. But it raises an issue when you didn't pass the required points so you need to repeat the particular paper (might be only subjected to scholar-funded student). You pay with MYR but accordingly to the current currency of the particular state (in this context; Uk). And we do not making jokes about british pounds because it's indeed so costly when the economy is at unstable motion (lol the term tho) You just need to close your eyes closely enough and forget about the money issue (for a moment), you just pay in the name of "it's my dream, I'm going to achieve it anyway" Haha, lol it's true there's no condition in order to achieve dreams, one can just get crazy for this (you will too)

Imagine this situation, you are at peak of 'fly or die' you don't want to screw any papers, you're entirely prohibited to make mistakes; all these pressures are then will make you want to cry and quit from this Alevels sucking phase. In the end, if you pass then you pass la. If not, I suggest you to cry for a day and please be hurry in looking for locals placement starting a day after lol (I really mean this)

But the thrill doesn't stop there for both either you get to fly or not. Don't ask me how the one who gets to fly manage that struggles? I'm none of them. Allah bless them, they'll manage in the end. But for those who are here (locals) , welcome to the world when you'll feel life is freakingly unfair haha. Indeed, it is. You would want to consider in going public university eventhough you have the privilege to continue undergraduate at private one. But it's not easy as it seems, there you'll find with that international qualification you got there (sounds amazing, it's not actually), you're no different as those who come from China mainland, Nigeria, Pakistani, and even Thailand. You'll be addressed as a foreign student as the way they treat you. You cannot pass through with full access anymore like how you got (not so long time ago) after spm. You need to pass through using another specific channel, and the chances of you'll get approved to admission is less than 50%. But it's okay, as for every hardship comes ease, let's move to private one shall we?

You are so lucky to be in Malaysia, because this country has sooooo many private universities to choose from. My advice; be wise in choosing. Look for details in everything you look for, either its their course, the subjects it offers, its accommodation and so much more.

Last but not least, after you've finished looking and yet has come to a definite decision; have Tawakkul.

For in the end, Allah knows best.

Oh, and to continue on how we (me and Sara) should tell the kids either Alevels is the right choice or not, we then decided to just be fair to them. Yes, kids like me not so long time ago has been so eager to try something challenging like Alevels. No one really told me either it's something I should go for or not, indeed, I was the who decided to take part in this challenge. Parents just agreed with my choice, and I will do the same like how my parents did to me. I'll support any of their decision without being biased in anything. The kids are pure soul, and they deserve to take part in any challenges they opt for. Let them choose , let them learn, bila sampai akhir nanti the least they will ask to themselves it's either 'berbaloi atau tidak?'

And for me, it's more than berbaloi; it's priceless.

Little things that mean a lot

a call from a very close friend of mine; is one of those little things that mean a lot. Even if I do have boyfriend(special person) one day, still a call from Sara might be even more meaningful than him (i do really mean this) I don't really have many friends I can count on, so to have those strong limited connections is one of the thing I want to really protect. It's cliche but true that little things really mean a lot. It's a smile one gives, a seat one offers, a simple 'hey' one greets; that make our life more meaningful. This morning I encountered one short note written by this one favourite motivator Dahlia Mogahed; I love how she stressed on the small gestures that really bring something big as, giving people a random happiness or as simple as crushing their souls.

Even in Islam, so far as I know, Islam do really care of feelings of another person especially when it gathers a group of people. As a matter of fact I did google this hadith (basically a guidance from our Propher Pbuh) that said;

 Abdullah ibn Massoud quotes the Prophet as saying: “Should there be three of you, then let not two of them be in conversation to the exclusion of the third, because this will hurt him.” (Related by Al-Bukahri and Muslim)

You'll find like a very broad discussion about this Hadith with few same meaning suppporting versions. Basically, do not whisper between two if you are joined by three. I'm amazed with how Islam cherish and provide us guidelines in protecting one feelings; this is exactly the same as what we call today "common sense" but in a very civilized manner.

There a lot more including for us to seek permission from the guests if we wish to leave, smile because it's one way of charity (sadaqah) , and when you talk to someone do turn your body fully towards them, do not take someone's seat when they get up temporarily, if you are trusted with a secret do keep it close and never think to reveal to even a soul, do not hold grudge for more than 3 days and do forgive, make peace between people and always talk good with everyone. If I were to list all those little things that need us to consider in doing it more better, then this entire blog would not be enough.

There are so much more.

But that's how I want precise here to my dear self and anyone that reads to always count over our little things that we do to people. Human being's heart are too fragile and sometimes it is not the big thing that could break it. It's the small little thing that counts.

the moment of solitude

*lights off* *studylamp turns on* *Payung Teduh playlist starts to shuffle* 

Ft. tuesdays with morrie 

Credit; D. 

A stranger from Manchester

Today and I'm still putting up with the same usual struggles; but the most hardest struggle would be (at least to me) is to stay being positive. How many people in this world yang stay strong and always think positive; no doubt that you guys own my respect. I wrote and read so many resources of how to stay being positive especially when the hard times hit you. But most of the times, I failed in being positive (lagi lagi now) . I'll start to think of how people will judge and leave me. And likewise the most frightened thing that have always haunted me was; to get judged by people around. I hate to get judged. The second one would be to get dumped and being alone. 

Why I came back to this medium, shall you know?

I rarely on twitter now, i mean I rarely tweet. I just scrolling through everyone's tweets and viewing their photos (instagram). I see those brightest smiles they show, and then I reflect to how messy my life is now. haha the truth is it's not that messy pun ( pardon the first week after result ) I'm getting stable now and I prefer to keep my life low profile and probably silent. I do wish someone from my highschool friends could hit the conversation randomly like how I always did to them. But yea likewise it won't be happening. Seriously, everyone is having their own life matter now and maybe is struggling like me as well. Deeply enough, I understand, lovelies. 

But it was yesterday when there was this senior from Manchester who has been waiting for my coming this sept randomly hit me with a 'hey'. I don't know how to explain the fact that I don't know her and the fact that I won't be coming to the university at anytime this year. On second thought, she's a stranger. And I do really know hard it is to have the courage to say hey to another stranger despite the only reason was 'to get to know each other'. Then to make her feel appreciated I said hello back and we had a short conversation yet to me so meaningful. I told her everything the reason of I could not make it. She understands so well, all the words she sent are just so lovable like I've known her for years.

At the end before we end the conversation I told her how I hope to meet her in a year from now. And she ended the conversation by giving me her favourite ayah from Quran; which is to me is so relatable to what I'm facing now. No doubt this girl owns such a noble heart; I pray so Allah will ease her life in Manchester. 

As a matter of fact, I'm going to a private uni somewhere in Putrajaya. I don't know what to expect, but to know Allah is there along my way, I don't have any fear now. To everyone who still there reading this, I don't know how to thank you enough for your concern and support. It just that, May Allah bless your life now and forever. 

Till then.

of the lowest point of my life

that I finally began to write again.

This morning I woke up with the same question as yesterday's morning (melancholic like that) ; "How could they call me a survivor when actually aku tak mampu terbangkan sayap sendiri?"

*(ft. Berdua Saja )*

How are you, people? Have you achieved your dreams? How far have you traveled? Are you happy? Have you got what you always wanted? If not, how did you survive? Is it normal to feel exhausted over the life you've been living in? Is it normal to cry over days that have passed? Is it normal to have overwhelming fear over the future?

And the list of questions inside my mind goes on and on. And everytime I walked pass the crowd of people, I can't stop thinking of how people live and then I began to reflect that am I really alone? Who else there in the crowd; that are in the same boat as mine? Do we have the same story?

sometimes ; I just hope that my life can be back to normal ;of when I know where to go and what to study.

Allah, why this is felt too burdening?

It has been three days now; from the day I knew that I am a broken dreamer. There's nothing left now but to move forward to the uncertain direction; I swear this is even harder than my past Statistics Alevel May/June Version; even harder than when I was in the state of not getting mrsm's offer. This is hard and the hardest of all the tests I've been encountered.

because after all; I failed with all my expectations.

I'm dying inside this concealed body I show to people.

 I woke up this morning and began to write this to anyone that cares; the simple message (reminder to myself) is to never lose the connection of tawakkul between you and God. That at least; the only thing I can believe in. The concept of which making me stop crying and to realize this is still a long way to go; for this failure is just a true beginning to something more bigger that not yet seen but will.

and as cliche as it can be 'Allah knows best' ; while you know not.

Alhamdulillah; yet all praised to Allah ; my true savior indeed. I pray that not just for me, but anyone who is in the same shoes to be grant the endless support and strength to move still and never give up. Have faith and do begin to have the endless tawakkul to the one and only ; Allah the Almighty.

Here is what I learnt; that tawakkul is a decision but it doesn't stop until you've got the result. Tawakkul, to what I understand, is the journey to the hikmah; to the final outcomes. It is the answer to your every prayer, but yet the answer is not what exactly the one you've always wanted. It is even miraculous than what you desire. It is a blessing of one true patience. And I, am looking forward to what this journey will bring me to. I won't lose hope. I will not, for God's sake.

To my support system, I need all of you more than anything now. So bear with me.

I might not be the true inspiration how some people expect me to be, even I couldn't satisfy my expectation to fly high. But one thing I know, I will raise up again; soon enough.

Soon enough, everyone.

from this lowest point of my life.

Live a life

I still have the entry somewhere in this blog that stated how I was a tomorrow girl who might know nothing about the life she lives at that current moment but the fact that she was too focusing on what will happen on a day after. 

Being asked about the ups and downs of what I've been through this 2years, I can see I have changed my perspective in life throughly. Not because the last perspective was wrong ; it just that I'm looking for a balance in anything I do or anything I view. Despite my difficult yet worthwhile 2years I would just say "I'm living a life" or "I'm surviving", indeed. 

How is that; living a life ? We have come to a point when we lost our soul , losing our insanity and even worse, losing our stand to something that's worthless to be losing for. And some of us, has yet taking the most wrong route, running from problems, or just dwelling on past or might just struggling hard to move on from dark life we had. 

This time, I want to precise here, that I live today , my life , everyday to the fullest. We all travel different roads to our ultimate destinations; either you are struggling hard for alevel, ib, diploma or even degree; don't forget to treasure every hardship, feel the pain and savor the happiness. You deserve to feel that, for you are becoming someone stronger than who you are now to serve for nation; even bigger community under your responsibility in future. There is this one book I read that said 'there are no real failures in life, only results' ; in fact , there are no true tragedies, only lessons. And there are really no problems, only opportunities waiting to be recognized as solution by the person of wisdom. 

Cherish every seconds of your life. 

Thank you for the amazing two years. Goodbye, mkic; till we meet again.